Sunday, January 10, 2016

January 10th

My wonderful balloon full of high-on-life happiness finally popped today. I should have known it wouldn't be a forever feeling. But in addition to being smacked in the face with sadness (over something stupid), it made me realize how emotionally fragile I can be. Like, the littlest thing sent me from over the moon to feeling utterly alone and so lonely. And no one said a word.

I hate feeling like I'm bothering or inconveniencing someone. I spent my entire grade school life being the annoying, clingy person in the group. I still carry that with me. I just wanted to have friends and to be liked. I'll never forget inviting so many people to one of my birthday parties, like at least forty, for this big excursion at the Mall of America. I thought it was going to be so much fun. It was back when Facebook invites were fairly new, and I was excited to invite all of these people who I really liked, but who didn't really care for me. I was desperate for them to like me, though. I looked up to them. I thought they were cool. (This was the theatre crowd, by the way.) Only one person RSVP'd yes to the event. I canceled it.

When it came time for my graduation party, I sent out a mass invite to nearly all of my Facebook friends. Loads of people RSVP'd as yes. I was ecstatic. I told my mom how many people had responded and she made so, so much food. Only ten people came. I got sick from eating too many of the extra cookies my mom had baked.

I often think that I'm an annoying person. I have a big personality. I can be very clingy. I feel emotions very deeply, and my relationships with others mean a lot to me. They are very precious. So when I feel like I am bothering someone, or when I find myself becoming distant with someone whom I used to be close, it hurts. Even the slightest indication that someone would rather be doing something besides talking to me can really affect me. It's probably quite silly, but I just crave so deeply the feeling of connection, of being someone's preference, their first choice. In the past I tried too hard to make myself that person and it backfired on me a lot. Now I walk on eggshells, fear rejection, and get nervous over the slightest indication that someone might not want to be talking to me.

Right now I suppose I just feel a little lost, and stuck, and alone. I also suppose that's not uncommon for someone who is 23. But it's hard. I like to know where I stand, I like to have a plan, to know what I'm doing, to know how others are feeling. I think things are a little overwhelming right now. But this too shall pass. I just hope someone reads this, and that someone cares.

I cherish happiness so much. I wish for happiness. I wish for love.

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