Friday, January 2, 2015

January 2nd

I am having a very strange day. I first had a sleepless night and finally fell asleep around 5 AM, then I proceeded to have weird, disjointed nightmares. I woke up feeling terrible, tried to sleep more, had more nightmares, and all around felt very unwell. I eventually got some decent sleep, diddled around the internet for a bit, and have slowly fallen into a somewhat despondent mood. I feel worried about a lot of things. I am worried about love and loneliness. I feel depressed and alone and unwanted, despite that being a very irrational feeling to be having right now. I am attributing it to the fact that I went from spending seven wonderful days with a wonderful person and giving and receiving lots of love, affection and laughter, and then that suddenly going away. Now, it's not truly gone. But it is no longer physical, it's not present in my home, it is not constant. This feels scary and hard to imagine.

Distance is a beast of a thing that can be subdued with Skype calls and text messages, but only time and money can make it truly disappear, and that's intimidating. I feel like I want to sleep. I feel like I have a lump in my throat and that I want to cry. I feel like I'm standing in front of a mountain that only goes up and may never even end, because the peak keeps hiding behind the clouds. And even when the very highest point of the very tall mountain peers out from behind the clouds, I'm still faced with the fact that in order to reach that peak, I must climb a very tall mountain. I am not climbing it alone, but it is still a mountain.

It's harder to hold on to something that you can't feel in your hands. I am gripping blindly and tightly and I don't want to let go, but the mountain looms over me and the beast bites at my hands. But I'm not letting go. I am holding on with my hands and my heart.

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