Happy September! I'm so excited that it's finally autumn, or just about autumn. The weather is changing, the leaves are going to start changing...pumpkin-flavored drinks are coming back...
Unfortunately, my start of autumn is slightly marred by the fact that for some reason, my meds seem to have stopped working. It's like I'm not even taking them. It started about a week ago and it's not gotten any better. I'm in this weird place where I'm constantly full of opposing feelings and reactions.
I'm really fidgety and restless, I can't sit still, and I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. Going anywhere that requires me to be there for a period of time wherein I can't leave (work, hair appointment, etc.) has been setting off anxiety attacks. It's this feeling that if I needed to leave, I couldn't. (Not because the doors are gonna lock and I'll be trapped, but because I have an obligation to be there.) This is one of the main reasons I hate flying, by the way- at least with work or an appointment, if I had a real problem (like if I threw up, for example), I technically could leave. But on a plane, you're literally trapped. Anyway, that feeling of being "trapped" has been going on really severely in the past week. I had the most stressful haircut ever on Friday, which is sad because the lady was so nice and it was by all means a relaxing haircut (I went to an Aveda salon so I got a scalp massage and such), but I felt so freaked out the whole time that I couldn't enjoy it.
Then on the flip side of that, I have no energy or motivation to get anything done. I just want to sleep all day. I feel like I can't even make phone calls. I laid in bed for twenty minutes today thinking about how I needed to call someone and I just couldn't. I don't know how to explain it. It took all of my energy just to go out and buy milk today. It's sort of funny because I'll be laying in bed super exhausted, trying to sleep, while simultaneously fidgeting around and tapping my feet and feeling like I'm freaking out.
So basically I'm in this place where I'm super anxious but also dealing with depressive symptoms, so I'm all messed up. I'm going to see about going back to my old meds that I was taking earlier this year, because this never happened with those. And I feel like shit. I love my job and I'm usually super ready to go to work, so I'm really not liking this feeling of feeling like I can't go to work. Not only is it hard to get myself out of bed to go there, once I get there I constantly feel on the brink of a panic attack. It's miserable.
I haven't had anxiety this bad since I was in middle school. I know it's illogical but that doesn't make it go away. I am constantly telling myself that what I'm feeling doesn't make sense, but that doesn't calm the part of my brain that's freaking out.
Remember: mental health issues are not a choice. People who suffer from them know that what they're feeling isn't "normal" - but knowing that something isn't right can't change the chemicals in your brain any more than someone with diabetes can choose to have different levels of insulin in their body. It's just chemicals misbehaving.
I hope you're all doing well. :)