Wednesday, December 31, 2014

December 31st

2014 is coming to a close, and with that comes my year-end wrap-up! Buckle in!

First and foremost I want to thank every single person who took time to read even just one of my blog posts this year. In rereading my blog, as I do before the year-end wrap-up each year, I noticed I've been posting more short entries than I'd like to, so my blogging resolution for 2015 is to have longer posts with more (and hopefully better!) content. As far as this year goes, I hope you all enjoyed reading about what I did, even if I do have more entries about sleeping or being sleepy than I do about most other things.

2014 started off strangely for me. It started with a New Year's Eve kiss from someone who would end up not treating me very well, and that was a very painful experience. It was also a learning experience, and an experience through which I did things and felt things I hadn't felt before. It is not something I look back upon with much fondness, but every hurt is a lesson, and every lesson makes you better.

Through the spring I found a new job, a new apartment, and new friends. It was busy and stressful, but I found myself with a job that I love and an apartment that led me to getting one of the best parts of my life, my wonderful cat Castamere. In July I turned the very regal age of 22 and had an all-around good time with work, with Cas, and with life. I also experienced heartbreak in the summer, and it was as much a friendship heartbreak as it was a romantic one. It was a slow decline into cutting someone out of my life, and it was - and still sometimes is - very painful. But the past is the past. La strada percorsa non si cambia, ma su quella da percorrere può accadere ancora di tutto!

In August my health decline started, and it stuck with me for awhile. I wasn't able to work until the end of November. During that time I felt worse than I'd felt in many, many years, and it was very taxing on me. Concerts I'd wanted to see for years were marred by anxiety, my sleep schedule was unruly, and my life in general was full of stress. Luckily I had outlets in places like Lucahjin's LPs and in TwoDots, and of course in my wonderful friends and family.

November and December have been good. I went back to Ireland, which was absolutely incredible. I'm currently spending time with Brad, who I met through Lucahjin, and he makes me very happy. I had a fun Christmas, I'm working again, and while I still don't feel the same way I did before my medication stopped working back in August, I do feel much better. I feel so lucky to have my friends, my family, my cat, and everyone who reads this blog in my life.

Thank you all so much for sticking with me through another year. I can't believe it's been five years now. I started blogging daily in 2010 and like I've said before, it's become so much a part of my daily life that I can't imagine stopping anytime soon. I never thought I'd still be blogging daily at this point in my life, I never thought so much of what's happened since I started blogging would happen. I don't need tons of readers or a fascinating life for this blog to mean a lot to me. Lexa, who I met through this blog during my first year of running it, is still a dear friend of mine and I love her so much.

I'm excited for 2015. I'm ready for another year of blogging, too. There will be another entry tomorrow, telling you all how happy I am for 2015 to begin.

To all the people, places, and things in 2014 that gave me joy, thank you. From Legend of Korra to Belfast, Northern Ireland, to my mom, thank you. Suikoden II, The Amazing Race, my cat, my sister, Hatoful Boyfriend, Game of Thrones, Dún Laoghaire, and more. Thank you to my friends, my family, my romantic interests, and everyone else - from people I watch on YouTube to strangers I meet and who make me smile - who has helped shape me this year and continues to do so. This year wouldn't have been the same without you, and I can't express my gratitude enough. I love you all, and I wish you all the best in 2015. Thank you!

NEVER BEFORE SEEN PICTURES FROM IRELAND (I told you they were coming! I'm hoping to post some more, with captions, soon - but for now, please enjoy these photos from Belfast and the Game of Thrones tour):

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

December 30th

I am exhausted. I wasn't earlier, but I'm really sleepy right now. Like, I could go to bed right now.

Year-end blog post: tomorrow! And it shall be big! But for today, this picture, presented without context:

Monday, December 29, 2014

December 29th

So we postponed going to the Mall of America until tomorrow, but I got my contacts today and I did some chores. And Brad made delicious green bean casserole!

I got some yummy new perfume in the mail today! It's Coach's "Signature Rose d'Or" and it's delicious. It's leather and oud and very nice and wintery! Can't smell any rose though, but it reminds me of Dirty English or a similar cologne. So good! 

Sunday, December 28, 2014

December 28th

It's birb streaming time! And tomorrow, Brad and I are going to the Mall of America! But I feel kinda icky tonight so that's blah. Tomorrow is a new day though!

Saturday, December 27, 2014

December 27th

Happy weekend everyone! Work was pretty slow today, but still good! Nice coworkers make jobs so much better. 

I need to go grocery shopping. At Walmart. How scary!

And Monday is perfume swapping day, and car fixing day! Yay!

Have a peaceful Sunday, my friends!

Friday, December 26, 2014

December 26th

Happy birthday to my wonderful sister! She is a whopping 18 today!

I worked today and then I work again tomorrow, but short shifts. 

Brad is here now! Yay for friends coming to visit! 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

December 25th

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

I just spent the last hour putting away clean laundry and everything (well, nearly) I brought back form my parents' houses, but I had to take a quick blogging break. I'll be posting about what I got soon I hope, but for now, stay warm and have a wonderful holiday!

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

December 24th

Happy Christmas Eve! Why do we say "happy" when it's the Eve but "merry" when it's the Day? I just noticed that today.

I'm doing ALL THE LAUNDRY at my dad's house right now. Then tomorrow I'm going over to my mom's house for some presents and food and such, and then heading back up home. Then I get to be super nervous for approximately 24 hours while I wait for Brad to get here on the 26th! I have work on the 26th so that'll take my mind off the anxiety a bit, but agh, this sort of thing makes me nervous! At least I cleaned, and we have some plans! I kind of want to make an itinerary though. A loose one, but still. Itineraries make me feel better.

I hope you're all enjoying your presents if you've gotten them already, or that you get exactly what you want tomorrow, or if you celebrate something else or nothing at all, I hope you're enjoying your December!

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

December 23rd

Happy Christmas Adam! (Do people still say that?) I have been cleaning like a maniac for the past few hours and I'm nearly finished, but I had to take a quick break to blog! Sitting down to blog has made me realize that in fact, my back really hurts, and I should probably take some Tylenol. Cleaning is hard work! I have a bit of tidying to do yet in the bathroom, and then I need to vacuum and clean the litter box, but then I think I'm done! I have a few dishes to do, but I might do those on the 26th in the morning.

I hope you are all staying warm and aren't too stressed over Christmas preparations!

Okay, almost done! Can't stop now! Gotta clean!

Oh, and hopefully in the next week I can do a big week of blogging, including some talk about Legend of Korra and The Amazing Race, as well as finally post those pictures that are a month overdue! Thank you all for being patient!

Monday, December 22, 2014

December 22nd

I had a productive day at LensCrafters today! Hooray! And then tomorrow I get to clean all day, which I'm not so excited about. But I need to clean my whole apartment because Brad is coming to visit! And my room is pretty messy. Whoops. 

Look at this amazing perler that Shawna made me! It's Shuu!

Sunday, December 21, 2014

December 21st

I'm hoping for an early night tonight...I don't think I fell asleep until like 7 AM yesterday/today. And I actually have things to do tomorrow! There are appointments to be made! Groceries to be purchased! Places to go!

But for now it's Portal 2 streaming and then sleep. Good night, my dears!

Saturday, December 20, 2014

December 20th

I got to go hang out with my lovely friends at Sarah's holiday party! Now I'm going to stream with Mike after I Skype with Brad.

I am so super hungry though! I may have to indulge in my new mini egg rolls.

The Amazing Race is something I also need to talk about. Tomorrow may be LoK and then the next day, TAR. I need to talk about things! Ahh!

Friday, December 19, 2014

December 19th

I was going to blog about the Legend of Korra finale but it's been an hour since I finished watching it and I still don't even have the right words. I do have a lot of tear-stained tissues though. That show is truly incredible and I can't believe it's over. What an amazing journey. 

Thursday, December 18, 2014

December 18th

Tonight is going to be an early night for this girl! I am already super sleepy. 

Brad is telling me to blog about INAPPROPRIATE BLOGGING TOPICS

Here's to a good work day tomorrow! Stay warm, my friends!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

December 17th

Portal stream with Mike tonight! I do love Portal a lot, so this should be fun. 

Cas seems better today. I did some serious apartment cleaning today, and I think he might be eating again! Yay!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

December 16th

I have way too much to do this week. I felt really gross again today so I didn't get much done unfortunately, but I did do my dishes! Small victories!

Cas hasn't been eating his dry food lately. I noticed it when I got back from my dad's house, and he hasn't started eating it again since then. However, if I give him wet food, he'll eat that. He seems to be drinking less than usual too. The only thing that's different is, of all things, his litter. I'm wondering (and hoping) that's what's making him feel off. Everything else is the same. So I'm going to head to PetSmart tomorrow and get him his old litter back. Then hopefully everything will go back to normal! He hasn't been acting strangely though, so it's baffling and worrying, but I hope it's just because I changed his litter. Back to the cheap stuff I go!

I really, really need to go to bed at a decent time tonight. I was up basically all night last night and my sleep schedule is messed up hardcore, so I'm going to try and fix my wonky now-nocturnal rhythm back into a good ol' diurnal one I have work on Friday, I need to be normal!


Monday, December 15, 2014

December 15th

I feel kinda icky tonight. My ice cream didn't sit well with me. Though I might be on stream with Mike tonight!


Sunday, December 14, 2014

December 14th

Two Dots is being glitchy! Waah! Brad and I are both having technical difficulties. 

I need to get to bed soon but I'm not tired! What do I do?

Saturday, December 13, 2014

December 13th

Happy 12/13/14! I hope you are all staying warm and cozy! I'm a little chilly at my mom's house right now, but we're playing Heads Up, so I'm enjoying myself anyway.

This is the first night I haven't Skyped with anyone in awhile! It feels a bit strange. But soon we shall be reunited! Brad, Lexa, Mike, Jon! Skype with me!

I can't believe this year is nearly over. What a year it has been! I can't even believe how much has happened. But those are sentiments for another entry. I love you all!

Friday, December 12, 2014

December 12th

I felt crappy this morning, so I ended up sleeping some more. Now I'm streaming with Mike. Or rather, he's streaming, I'm just a guest. 

Tomorrow I'm off to my dad's house! Going to try and get some decent sleep tonight, but damn this game is good. Play Stick of Truth if you're a South Park fan. It is impeccably made. 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

December 11th

Good evening! I hope you're all keeping warm! I did some actual cleaning today, like an adult! After I stayed up til 3 AM, of course. 

Tomorrow: LensCrafters! I hope that's not too much of a bother. 

I'm in a Winnie the Pooh mood. 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

December 10th

I'm blogging early tonight because I'm thinking my new meds are making me extra tired, because I slept in like crazy today and now I'm tired again. Dammit.

To be fair, I did stay up kind of late. Hooray for late night streams!

I've got an Orange Julius smoothie, my lobster sweater, and nice-smelling perfume. Plus I get to Skype with Brad soon. So I'm trying to stay happy! Even though LensCrafters is giving me a hard time trying to get my glasses fixed (that prescription is way too damn strong) and order new contacts. I also might get to guest on Mike's Stick of Truth stream again tonight, if I can stay awake! We shall see! I need caffeine and I have none!

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

December 9th

After an attempted scam on eBay, I was refunded my money. Now eBay is telling me the item isn't paid for. Well of course it's not, eBay, you gave me my money back. Sigh.

People: Don't scam. It's really low and shitty and not nice.

I slept all day today. I don't know why, but I'm really tired. Possibly my new meds are messing with me. Also possibly it's because I haven't had to get up and work so I've just been a hermit. I do have things I need to get done though. I need to order new contacts, and see about changing the prescription in my new glasses because it's just too damn strong. Every time I try wearing them I feel sick, so I just end up wearing my old glasses.

I think I'm gonna drink some Danimals.

Monday, December 8, 2014

December 8th

Brad and I finished My Immortal! How many times have I read that now? Five? At least five.

I want a black leather Jackson and some stilton bo-ots. Also, hi Lexa. I love and miss you dearly.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

December 7th

Mike and I finished reading My Immortal! He really enjoyed, and so did I. I enjoy it every time. Brad and I will hopefully finish it tomorrow! I'm also really close to beating all the new Two Dots levels!

Cas says hello and farts at you kindly.

It's going to be weird not working this week! What do I do with myself?

...I should clean. And send out Christmas cards and the letter and art I've been meaning to send to Reese. I WILL DO THE THINGS!

Saturday, December 6, 2014

December 6th

I am so tired today. Work was really fun and my shift went by pretty quickly, but now I'm feeling tired from working busy three days in a row after not working for three months. So my goal for tonight is to get some good sleep, and my goal for tomorrow is to right a good, long blog post. I also want to play some more Hatoful Boyfriend! And finish watching Holiday Star! And I have to catch up on Legend of Korra!

Friday, December 5, 2014

December 5th

Whoa, work was a doozy today. And tomorrow is going to be even longer, and busier, and there's so much to do!

But Christmas decorations! Yay! I want some for my house. Also a little outfit for Cas.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

December 4th




Wednesday, December 3, 2014

December 3rd

Hello friends! I am super sleepy tonight. I'm blogging now because I feel like I'm about to fall asleep right now. I'm picking up a shift at work tomorrow and I have to do things before that, so I have to get to bed early anyway. 

Cas is blogging with me tonight! He's right here on my chest. :)

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

December 2nd

Game of Owns is the best podcast. If you're a fan of Game of Thrones and you don't listen to it, you're making a mistake. Get on it.

I slept really poorly last night. I had a nightmare, woke up, went back to sleep, then had another nightmare.

It's puffy cookie o'clock!

Monday, December 1, 2014

December 1st

We've almost made it through another year of blogging! I can't believe it's December and the year is nearly over! Thank you all for sticking around with me for another year.

I'm at my dad's house tonight and I'm kind of chilly, so I'm about to cuddle up in bed and get some sleep. I'm tired! I got to spend some time with my mom and sister too though, which was really fun. I also finally got my birthday present from my mom, which is...perfume! (Surprise of the century.) She got me Marc Jacob's Daisy and I'm wearing it right now, and I'm really excited to own it. It's pretty different from most of my other fragrances, and it's definitely a safe and inoffensive scent, so it's a great addition to my collection. Yay!

Stay warm, my loves!

Sunday, November 30, 2014

November 30th

Brad and I are reading My Immortal. So I can't post photos tonight because Volxemort is coming and we're all in danger. Brad said we have to wait for Dumblydore to come help us, but I know only Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way can save us.

I hope you're all doing well, my loves! I can't believe November has come to an end. I'm so excited for December! Christmas, yay!

Saturday, November 29, 2014

November 29th

Work was really good again today! I met a new coworker and she's really nice, so that's exciting. I meant to take a nap when I got home but haven't been able to sleep so I'm really, really tired right now. 

In other news, Legend of Korra is fucking beautiful. 

Friday, November 28, 2014

November 28th

Happy Black Friday, my loves! I actually had a really pleasant day at work today, and I'm really happy and grateful for that. My cold is also a lot better today! Yay! Thanksgiving gratefulness, a day late!

I've become quite sleepy though since I didn't nap after work, so I'm not sure if I should sleep until my blog alarm goes off, or just go to sleep now and sleep through the night, or what. I'm Skyping with Brad right now though!

I want a puffy cookie so badly but I'm too sleepy to go get one. But I really want one...I may have to go get one.


Thursday, November 27, 2014

November 27th

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends! I am still feeling quite sickly, so I'm watching Holiday Star and then going to bed. My nose isn't so sniffly, but my cough is much worse and I do have to work tomorrow and Saturday. I wish I had one more day to rest and get over this cold! 

I'm not sure now when I'll get around to posting pictures and such from my trip, but I promise they're coming! 

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

November 26th

You guys, I have a full-on horrible cold. Like, congested but runny nose at the same time, coughing, sinus pressure, all that fun stuff. Would you be mad if I pushed back the photos another day? Because of the meds I'm on, the only "cold" medication I can take is actually allergy medication (Benadryl, which combined with my meds will make me RELLY tired so I'm putting off taking it), because normal cold medication has an ingredient that can give me...serotonin syndrome. And having had that a few months ago, I now know that I definitely don't want to possibly go through that again. Plus, I work in a few days! Like, two days! Black Friday! I really hope I'm feeling much better by then, because this is not how I want to return to work, all sniffly and sore. I'm so congested that I can't taste food at the moment, which I hate, so I've been eating mac and cheese for like and hour now (the same little bowl of it) and it's gotten cold but I can't taste it anyway, so I don't even care. Eating when you can't taste is super lame.

Stay well, my friends!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

November 25th

Photo dump shall come tomorrow, as I am currently sick and sleepy and Skyping with Brad. I hope you're all doing well!

Monday, November 24, 2014

November 24th

I am back home at my apartment! I'm currently trying to import the photos I took on my phone onto my computer, but it's being weird and lagging a lot. Sigh. But that means starting tomorrow, you'll all get to see some photo-heavy posts with commentary and all that fun stuff! Tonight I'm still feeling pretty tired though.

I bought myself a present when I was in Ireland. Not like, I went to Primark and bought a headband sort of thing (which I did do), but a genuinely nice, pricey present. I've never done that on a trip before. I was in the Dublin airport looking through the duty-free perfumes, which is always hard because buying perfume without testing it on your skin first is risky, but you don't want to spray perfume on yourself before flying because that's not always nice for the person sitting next to you. I had my eyes on one of the Alien flankers, but I'm already planning on getting a different flanker at some point, and it was right at the top of my budget. So I wandered over to the Jo Malone store. I'd never been in one before, and the only other Jo Malone scent I'd owned was one I received blindly in a swap but didn't like. Now, Jo Malone scents are very hard to come by and very expensive, so I knew I couldn't buy a full-size, as they were way too expensive for me. And even the small 1oz bottle are pricey- normally it's about $60 for a 1oz/30ml bottle. That's a damn small bottle. However, they had 1oz bottles for 40 euros, which is just under $50. Plus no tax! So I smelled everything they had a bunch of times, sprayed them all on paper, and finally decided on one that reminded me most of my trip- Wood Sage & Sea Salt. It's a woody aquatic scent, and my skin always likes to bring out the woodsy notes, so on me it's a light, slightly masculine woody scent with a bit of salty air. I finally put some on tonight (I'm trying to use it very sparingly) and I'm falling more and more in love with it the more I smell it, so I'm really happy that I bought it. I love that I have a fragrance that will always remind me of Ireland. The funny thing is, even though the first time I visited Ireland, I only brought my Lolita Lempicka perfume with me. But when I got home, my Van Cleef and Arpels Feérie reminded me of Ireland for some reason. I brought the Van Cleef and Arpels and the Lolita Lempicka with my on this trip, so now it's like I have three scents that remind me of Ireland. Really, the Lolita reminds me of a lot of things because I wear it so often. The VC&A reminds me of my first trip to Ireland. It reminds me of the lush greenery and the countryside. And now my Jo Malone can remind me of all the time I got to spend by the sea on this trip, especially up in Northern Ireland as well and Dún Laoghaire.

The Wood Sage and Sea Salt smells like something else too, but I can't put my finger on it. I like it, though. So I'm happy.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

November 23rd

I am absolutely exhausted. All my flights went well enough, despite some anxiety and nausea that have since faded (I think it was a combo if being tired and hungry). Anyway, jetlag says it's 2:30 AM and I've been flying all day, so I'm going to bed. Cheers!

Saturday, November 22, 2014

November 22nd

I'm being very naughty and taking a nap before I pack. I'm just so tired though! I did get to go to Trinity College today though, so I'm really happy. Just like last time, I stayed in the Long Room for a Long Time and then almost cried when I had to leave. I really love that place. It's gorgeous, it smes amazing, and it's just lovely. I could stay in there for hours. 

But now I'm going to nap, and then pack when I wake up! I'm so worried about packing, my hotel room is a mess and I already overpacked when I came so I'm worried about things fitting...ahh. Here's hoping it goes smoothly!

Friday, November 21, 2014

November 21st

I'm up very late tonight, and I'm feeling it. I felt it when I tried to go out tonight and then started feeling ill and anxious. So it's off to bed with me now, and then souvenir shopping tomorrow. I didn't do much of anything today unfortunately, but I think that was for the best. I needed to slow down a bit.

I hope you're all doing well!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

November 20th

I currently seem to be on the world's weirdest sleep schedule. I'm not sleeping like I'm at home or like I'm here...I don't know what time zone I'm in. I'm also extremely tired for a good portion of the day.

Now, the Game of Thrones tour. It was incredible. I'm so tired right now that the idea of typing out all of the details seems really daunting, so I'm going to be brief, and then at a later date I'll post photos with more details.

After struggling to find where on earth I was supposed to actually start the tour (thank goodness Belfast has the best cab drivers in the world, no joke), I arrived, was checked in quite easily, and boarded the bus. I immediately knew I chose the right tour company because they were playing the soundtrack on the bus while we waited for everyone. (That, and the company is actually the company that works for the show so they take the cast and crew to the locations and have all the inside details.) Our driver and guide were both fantastic.

We started off with a scenic route which led us by where there was actual filming happening right then and there, but it was on the other side of the bus and I didn't get a great picture. But I did get to see "the Wall" sort'll see when I post my terrible picture of it! It was pretty sweet though. Our guide told us all sorts of Irish folklore and actual history as well, which was great. The drive never seemed long.

Along the way, we stopped at the locations where they filmed Ned beheading the Night's Watch deserter, the cave where Melisandre birthed the shadow baby, Renly's camp, and the shores of the Iron Islands, which doubled as the place from where Arya departs at the end of season four. We also went to the Giant's Causeway for lunch - nothing to do with Game of Thrones, but it's a UNESCO World Heritage Site and it's really gorgeous, albeit an arduous walk. Our final stop was the Dark Hedges, which are neither dark nor hedges. But they are really gorgeous, especially as the sun starts to set, which is when we arrived. We then took a main road back into Belfast while our guide told us behind the scenes info about nearly all of the actors, as well as secrets about the costumes, weapons, and even the books. (I'm going to be respectful of his wishes that this info not be spread around everywhere, but Lexa, if you're reading this, hit me up. I'll fill you in.)

Overall, the tour was amazing. It was extremely picturesque, and Northern Ireland really is a lovely and diverse place. We passed hills and valleys, loads and loads of livestock, and gorgeous seaside views. It was very typically Irish in its landscape, from the farms to the houses to the cliffs.

And this leads me to my next point...

Tomorrow I'm taking an even longer coach tour. This time I'll be visiting the Cliffs of Moher, as well as a few stops along the way. It's a 12 hour tour though- I'm supposed to depart at 6:50 AM and get back to Dublin between 6:00-7:00 PM. And it's looking like there might be a fair bit of walking around the cliffs. Normally that wouldn't turn me off, but on the Game of Thrones tour there were two occasions where after walking uphill for a not-too-long (half a mile to a mile) period of time, I felt literally sick to the point where I was lightheaded. And yes, I kept up with eating and drinking lots of water! I think I've just become massively unfit.

So my dilemma is this: I just took a nap. I'm still really tired. I have to be up at 5:00 AM. I'm worried that the Cliffs are going to entail a lot of walking and it's going to be really hard for me since my body apparently doesn't want to do too much walking. (I also hate being on a forced schedule for eating...and since this tour covers when I would normally eat breakfast, lunch AND dinner, and I know we won't stop for all of those things...what to do?) At my hotel in Belfast, they served breakfast starting at like 4:00 AM so I was able to have a big buffet breakfast before the tour. Here? Tesco won't be open until 8:00, and this hotel charges an obscene amount for breakfast, so I'm not sure.

I really want to go on this tour. But if I wake up in the morning feeling exhausted, I don't want to over-exert myself. Plus, on the Game of Thrones tour I did already get to see some gorgeous scenery that typified a lot of Irish landscape in my I'm feeling really conflicted about the whole thing. I guess we'll see how I feel tomorrow!

If I opt out of the tour tomorrow, I'd be able to have a full day in Dublin to do as I please. I'm open Saturday as well, but I have to pack and such. I've also done something to my neck, it seems- on the train ride back from Belfast today (which, by the way, is the quickest two hours ever. Seriously. Both times it felt super short, plus it was a really smooth ride and fairly scenic outside, although today it as foggy), I noticed what felt like possibly a pulled muscle, probably from carrying around my too-heavy weekender bag I brought up to Belfast.

I wouldn't mind going back to Trinity College, and there are still some places in Dublin I haven't seen. I can also always hop on a train like I do to get to Dún Laoghaire and head up to one of the other cities recommended to me, like Skerries. On top of all that, the weather is a factor- if it's pouring down rain, that changes things. The weather has been really pleasant for me so far though! Only rained as I was leaving Dún Laoghaire.

I wish I'd had another day to shop in Belfast, and to explore the city a bit more without feeling rushed. (You know, like how I felt about Dublin last time I was here.) I still haven't had a day here to really get around Dublin much, and I'd also like a rest day, so I feel like I'm talking myself out of the tour tomorrow here...I don't know.

I guess I'll just have to see how I feel in the morning. A 12-hour tour is a big commitment and I wouldn't see any of Dublin that day, and I'm sure the next day I wouldn't be up for doing too much other than chilling at my hotel all day. I'm so conflicted! I guess I'll have to sleep on it. :)

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

November 19th

I am exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. I promise I'll write an awesome post tomorrow about how amazing the tour today was. But for now, sleep.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

November 18th

I knew if I took a nap at 6:00 PM, I'd wake up at 10 to blog and still be tired and ready to sleep some more, and also hungry. Alas, that is the case.

Anyway. The train ride up to Belfast was really chill, and there was so much livestock along the way! Cows and sheep and all those fun animals. And Belfast...I like Belfast a lot so far. It's like a mix between London and Dublin. It's an Irish London, but much smaller. I visited the Titanic Museum, which was actually smaller than I'd expected. I opted out of the boat ride simulator because that sounded nauseating, but the rest of the museum was fairly interesting. I was hoping there would be more artifacts though, and there were hardly any. After buying some sweet socks and a scarf at the gift shop (reasonably priced, actually), I tried desperately to find the docks they visited on The Amazing Race but I ended up somewhere else and my poor feet were tired and I wanted to hit up the mall before it closed (things close so early here!), so I gave up on that. I think I actually know where it is now, but I don't think I'll have time to go back.

The mall was all right...I grabbed some more Barry M nail polish and, again, a concealer I've heard good things about, though this time it wasn't the Rimmel Wake Me Up, it was the Collection Lasting Perfection. We'll see! I only buy concealer in the UK, it seems.

I also bought some dinner (very yummy roast chicken sandwich and Naked juice), and then headed back to my hotel here, which I actually like quite a bit. It appears to only have one electrical outlet though, which is really annoying.

Tomorrow I have to get up super early and eat a really filling breakfast and shower and all that, then be at the tour check-in at like 8:25. That's a lot for one sleepy Kate to manage, but hopefully if I sleep now, I'll be okay! I'm excited for this tour! GAME OF THRONES WOOHOO.

Monday, November 17, 2014

November 17th

Hello lovelies! I'm going to try and be better about blogging today, even though I'm completely exhausted...and just woke up from a nap.

As per jet lag, I woke up at the very strange hour of about 3:45 AM. Luckily, Brad also happened to be awake (time zone difference BONUS!) so we got to chat for a bit. Then, when things finally started to open here - namely Tesco - I showered then walked over to get some breakfast and snacks and such.

Then I wanted to get back to the city centre. I knew taking a cab would be expensive, so I bought a Leap Card. Buying the Leap Card and topping it up was just as much as a cab would have been, but it's also refillable so I used it later in the day as well.

I'm still totally confused by the bus system here. It's not clear (to me) which buses go where. So I went to a bus stop where there was conveniently a man who worked for the bus company waiting as well, so I asked him my stupid foreigner questions about how to use my Leap Card and if this bus was going where I was going.

Luckily I made it made to O'Connell Street, which was my main stomping grounds last time I was here. I stopped into Primark and bought some super cozy winter leggings (pajama bottoms?) and I love them! I was feeling a bit dizzy then though, so I decided I should try and find the Tara Street train station (which was very hard last time I was here, though I don't recall if I blogged about that) so I could get myself back to Dún Laoghaire.

(I briefly stopped to have a snack at this point and was greeted by a very eager pigeon. I tossed one of my crackers to him, and suddenly a ton of pigeons swooped in and hung out with me for a bit, so long as I occasionally gave them crackers. They were so nice! The first pigeon even hung around for a bit after the others had left, so I think he and I became friends. I named him Ryouta.)

There was a Subway at the station so for old time's sake, I ordered myself a sandwich to eat on the pier. I topped up my Leap Card again just to be sure, and that was my ticket. Leap Cards are cool, you can use them for a bunch of things!

Despite a delay at the first stop (A "signaling error"), I happily made my way to Dún Laoghaire. The weather was actually quite nice - very windy, only slightly chilly, and most importantly, not raining. I stopped into the same shop I'd stopped in last time to use the toilet since I knew it was there (so much deja vu) and then set off toward the east pier. The pier was exceptionally windy, but it was so lovely. Even without the armada of sailboats floating in the harbor, it was wonderful. The sea was gorgeous, it sounded gorgeous, it smelled was really, really great.

I knew I wanted a picture of myself similar to the one I have from the pier on my last trip, but since I was alone this time, I had to find someone to take one for me. That's always a little intimidating, and I took some good old selfies in case I had no luck, but I did in fact have some fantastic luck. The first person I approached was a sweet older woman who was very chatty and more that happy to take some pictures. (She seriously took like five, a couple candids.) She was so kind and friendly and I feel so lucky to have come across her! And I got just the pictures I was looking for.

After pausing a few times to snack on my sandwich, I made it to the end of the pier, where the lighthouse was unfortunately closed off. So I took the upper route back down the pier (quick note: the pier is nearly a mile long) and found a sort of secret back way to go which would take me behind the pier and close to the sea, the rocks, all that fun stuff. There was a real sea breeze back there, the good salty kind, and it was amazing.

I wanted to walk around Dún Laoghaire some more, but my feet hurt really badly and it started to rain just as I left the pier. So I went back to the train station, and back into the city centre I went!

It was raining pretty badly by the time I got back, and with my minimal bus knowledge, I decided I'd just get a cab. Luckily, I not only found one right away, but had an amazing cab driver. (The two best cab drivers I've ever had have been Dubliners.) We talked the whole way back to my hotel, and he gave me some tips about getting to the airport and so on, and he was generally just a really pleasant guy. We talked about how I was really enjoying the weather here because it was warmer and less snowy than where I'd come from, and he told me he could barely handle six weeks of snow per year, so I advised him not to visit Minnesota in the winter. :)

Back at my hotel I was bombarded with the headache that had been hanging around all day as well as incredibly sore feet and legs, and a wee blister on the bottom of my foot to top it all off. After being unable to find my ibuprofen for ages, I finally found some, talked to Tom a bit (bit ironic), and fell very soundly asleep.

So I've just woken up to my blog alarm and wanted to update you all on my first real day of doing things here! It was a really lovely day overall, and tomorrow I'm off to Belfast! It seems like that came up really quickly, and I've not packed yet, so I'm going to get up early (since I want to go back to sleep now) so I can pack and then get a cab to the train station, since I don't know where the station is. Then it's a shopping day in Belfast and a visit to the Titanic Museum, then the next day is the Game of Thrones set tour!

Sunday, November 16, 2014

November 16th

I am in beautiful Ireland, and I am sleepy! I was expecting that, which is why I decided to arrive on a Sunday- there's nothing to do on Sundays in Ireland anyway. Everything is closed! I left the airport at about 9:00 and got to my hotel shortly thereafter, and they couldn't get me in until 11:00. Unfortunately, there was nowhere to get breakfast until 10:00. So I walked around my new area (I'm in a completely different part of Dublin than where I stayed last time - not as nice of a place, farther away from everything, but less expensive) for about an hour, walked around a pretty college campus (I always seem to do this when I travel) and then finally got to go get breakfast at the one place in the area that was open. So I thought, what the hell, I'll get the breakfast option that comes with black pudding. It doesn't actually taste that bad, but knowing what it is made it taste worse in my mind. The rest of my breakfast was excellent though- very traditionally European with lots and lots of meat, plus eggs and toast. And some amazing orange juice.

And then I went back to my hotel and fell asleep! I was just awoken by some music, maybe coming from downstairs, or possibly across the street? But what's Ireland without music coming from unknown places?

So now I'm snacking and watching TV. I got upgraded to a king-sized room for free so I feel very luxurious. I'll let you all know more about the plane rides and travel bits and bobs tomorrow! Hopefully the weather tomorrow is as nice as it was today so I can get into town and explore familiar stomping grounds, and maybe even head down to Dún Laoghaire for a bit! And shop. Definitely shop. (Though I know I'll be doing that in Belfast too.)

I hope you all are doing well!

Saturday, November 15, 2014

November 15th

Whoa, almost forgot to blog before getting on my flight! I've been at JFK airport for longer than my flight to Dublin is going to be. I love NYC, but the airport is less great. 

Time to board! See you tomorrow in Ireland!

Friday, November 14, 2014

November 14th

Okay! I'm all packed! (Except for my toiletries that I need to use in the morning!) I'm ready! I'm flying tomorrow! Woo! Let's go! Let's do the thing!


Thursday, November 13, 2014

November 13th


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

November 12th

I'm so tired today. I didn't get to sleep until after 5 AM and then had to wake up and move my car so they could plow our parking lot. Then I came back and slept some more, but I'm still sleepy. I'm leaving my apartment around 4 PM tomorrow, so everything needs to be in order by then, which it mostly is. I need to do the dishes and clean up a bit and then pack up my things to bring down to the my dad's house where all my travel documents are. I'll be staying there two nights, then Saturday morning I fly out to New York City, and leave for Dublin Saturday night. I feel like I have more to do than I probably actually have to do, and I'm stressed about the plane rides as usual, so I'm just trying to stay calm. I also keep getting sad about leaving Cas because I haven't been away from him for this long since I got him, and I'm really going to miss him. I worry about him too, even though the person taking care of him is a really good guy and I think Cas should be okay. 

I'm going to take a nap now and then wake up whenever I wake up so I can finish cleaning and packing. 

I can't wait to actually be in Ireland!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

November 11th

Today was more of the same- shopping for my trip, worrying about my trip, commenting on the ridiculous amount of snow that has amassed here, cuddling with Castamere.

I've set myself a very early bedtime for tonight since I need to move my car tomorrow morning so that they can plow our parking lot.

More catching up on YouTube now! Sorry the blog has been kind of repetitive and boring lately, but I promise once I get to Ireland it will be very exciting! Even if it does rain every day. :)

Monday, November 10, 2014

November 10th

It's looking like my trip is going to be a rainy one, except for maybe a bit of my first day in Belfast. (Which is good, since I want to shop that day!) Luckily the forecast says a lot of the rain will be light and/or not last all day, so that's good. As long as I can do everything I'm schedule to do and not get totally soaked, I'm good! Plus I have a new raincoat! And waterproof boots!

Speaking of weather, we got about a foot of snow here today. Hello, winter! It's so chilly and white all of a sudden! So Cas and I are cuddling together inside, as per usual.

I'm currently trying to work through my Watch Later playlist on YouTube, which I let get up to 100+ videos again. Naughty! It's down closer to 60 now though, which is good.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

November 9th

I did some shopping for my trip today (TSA-approved sizes, yay!) and mostly just lounged around. I'm trying not to get too anxious and to take every step I can to make sure I have a good flight (or flights, rather) out there and back, but being more anxious than usual doesn't help with the fact that I'm already not a big fan of flying, or that packing for a trip is quite stressful.

Luckily Cas is a good cuddle buddy so we're hanging out together tonight. :)

Saturday, November 8, 2014

November 8th

I slept basically all day today. Last night I started feeling anxious and just generally unwell, and I'm pretty sure it might have had something to do with my many 5+ hour Skype dated with friends this which, most of which lasted into the wee hours of the morning. So I caught up on sleep today, and I'm going to try and get to bed quite early tonight as well. I am going to try and watch The Amazing Race and Legend of Korra first though! (I had a dream last night - or rather, sometime this afternoon - that I was on The Amazing Race. I've had dreams like that before, and they're always so bizarre.)

Happy Saturday to you all, and I hope you're enjoying your weekend! Make sure to get plenty of rest, stay hydrated, and be healthy!

Friday, November 7, 2014

November 7th

I'm starting to get stressed about packing for my trip! My room is in disarray and I'm not sure where some things are, and I don't like long flights or long layovers anyway, so...uff da.

I've also decided I need one of those "weekly pill box" things because two of my medications are "take up to [#] pills per day" and I always lose track by the end of the day. So if I just put the max amount in for every day, I'll always know if I can take more or not! I also need to buy a pill cutter. Medication drama!

I might have secured a really nice perfume swap though, which is really exciting! I love when there's a situation where two people really want each other's scents and there's not need to talk about evening things out or including extras because it's just exactly what's wanted. Come to me, Flora Nymphea!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

November 6th

I will be in Ireland in TEN DAYS you guys! Whee!

Tonight is another My Immortal Night, this time with Mike. It was also a HATOFUL BOYFRUEND HOLIDAY STAR STREAM NIGHT and I literally screamed aloud on multiple occasions. Oops.

Monsieur Michael is back, so I away I go! Hope you all have a love weekend!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

November 5th

Brad and I are reading My Immortal. Good times. Good memories. 

I had a good day today! Nice lunch and nice skyping. Some non-fun night/rainy driving, but My Immortal makes everything the best. 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

November 4th

I'm Skyping with Brad again. Oops.

I have a lunch date tomorrow, whee!


Monday, November 3, 2014

November 3rd

My meeting went well this morning, and Brad very kindly gifted me with my very own copy of Hatoful Boyfriend! But Steam is being an idiot and it isn't recording my achievements or time logged, so it's like I haven't played at all. And you need to log time/achievements to unlock later vents and endings! Grr!

I'm a sleepy Kate tonight. I shall sleep in tomorrow!

Sunday, November 2, 2014

November 2nd

I'm in a Skype call with some lovely folks right now! Brad, John, Michael, and Kasumi are all such great people. I'm having such a Skype-y week.

I'm going into work tomorrow morning! But just to meet with one of my managers. We'll see how that goes. Fingers crossed that it goes well!

Saturday, November 1, 2014

November 1st

Happy November! Just two weeks til I'm back in gorgeous Ireland. In the meantime, here's my Halloween costume from this year!

Friday, October 31, 2014

October 31st

Happy Halloween! My internet isn't working. Spooky indeed! I was trying to watch Jon and Reese on Twitch but no, now nothing is working!

Now what do I do?

I should catch up on Game of Owns. 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

October 30th

I took a very long, very good nap today! Probably because Brad and I Skyped for a looong time yesterday. We talked about things such as birds!


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

October 29th

I've been Skyping with Brad for like...over three and a half hours. Do you ever meet someone online and then like four days later you're Skyping for hours? I love the internet for enabling awesome friendships like this.

Also I am cutting it really close with time here tonight, sorry! I'm here, I promise!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

October 28th

I am extra sleepy tonight! I'm going to try and sleep through the night tonight, and keep Cas out of my room. He wakes me up too much.

I've been bumming around Twitch for a few hours now. THANKS BRAD. :/

Monday, October 27, 2014

October 27th

I'm so excited for Halloween! Another year, another (mostly) thrifted costume. And today I started looking for bits and bobs for yet another costume I'd like to pursue...whoops. I have the cosplay bug. On a budget though.

Everything is Hatoful Boyfriend.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

October 26th

Coming off my Hatoful Boyfriend hangover, I'd like to direct all you fine folks to the two lovely gentlemen who provided voices in Lucahjin's stream.

Please check out Brad and Liam!

Brad (cdigames) just started a new LP of his own, and is also a guest on Lucahjin's current Trilby's Notes LP.

Liam (liamsixx) just finished a great LP of Super Mario 64, and I'm looking forward to whatever is next from him.

And of course, please check out Lucahjin's Hatoful Boyfriend and Trilby's Notes playthroughs.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

October 25th

I watched a six hour long stream today. Thanks, Lucahjin. 

You should all play Hatoful Boyfriend. It's on Steam. And play the full version, and the full game. All the routes! And then you get the secret ending! Which apparently takes a six hour stream to cover. XD

I'm gonna go to sleep early tonight. But right now I'm watching someone play the game blind because it's hilarious. And knowing the secret ending, it's giving me all the feels!

Friday, October 24, 2014

October 24th

I don't realize how much I miss my cat when I spend a night away form him until I get back and I just wanna hug him all day. On the contrary, I think I'm going to switch back to having him sleep outside my room. I slept pretty damn well at my mom's house last night.

I got my flu shot today, hooray!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

October 23rd

Well I'm unexpectedly at my mom's house because the sketchy nurse at my psychiatrist's office decided that oh, apparently my normal psychiatrist does have appointments available? I've had some trouble with communicating with him in the past (like when he told me to start back on 20mg Lexapro a day with Prozac still in my system, which is what gave me serotonin poisoning), and when I called today saying I was having anxiety symptoms again after increasing my Lexapro dosage, instead of answering any of my questions (should I decrease my dosage? should I take any tonight?), he just told me I needed to come down tomorrow morning. It's no short haul to get me down to her office, so that was unexpected. The psych I'm seeing tomorrow is my psychiatrist who has been out of the office since before my initial anxiety issue, not the guy who has been helping me in the interim, so I don't know how caught up she is. I'm not looking forward to re-explaining my medical issues over the past 2+ months yet again, but we'll see how it all goes. As long as my vacation can still go ahead, then I'm okay. I don't want to start fiddling around with medications too much. And I also REALLY want to get back to work soon, for many reasons. And starting new meds can always disturb that, and my managers don't want e back til I can be there reliably (understandably), but I don't know when that can be. It's really frustrating. I'm ready to be better now, please and thank you!

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

October 22nd

Gosh, I haven't stayed up this late in awhile! I was advised to take my Lexapro at night to help with the sleepiness, so maybe that's part of the solution. On the other hand, my anxiety symptoms are still present, namely the restlessness/agitation/feeling panicked and so forth. And my damn shaking leg! It's like I've got all this nervous energy and I need and outlet, so I have to be moving my leg or ankle or whatever a lot of the time. I called in to my psychiatrist's office today and left a voicemail for the nurse telling him what was up, so hopefully he calls me tomorrow. I think I need to drop my Lexapro dose back down to 10 mg. I'm just so worried because my trip is coming up and I want to be feeling like I was two weeks ago, and now I'm not there anymore, I'm going backwards. I'm worried that switching to a new led will cause problems right before the trip. And that just adds to my anxiety! But I'm not going to not go on this trip. I think it'll be fun and helpful and relaxing for the most part (though I'm dreading the plane ride), so...we shall see. Cas is being a good cuddle buddy right now. :)

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

October 21st

I actually slept decently last night, but I've been having weird anxiety symptoms today. Really restless, fidgety, just generally anxious. Not fun. Now I'm watching some good spooky LPs of 5 Days a Stranger, 7 Days a Skeptic, and Trilby's Notes. They're a pretty interesting series of games. 

My mail that was supposed to come today didn't come. Whyyy. I wanted my perfume from my swap. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

October 20th

I am currently trying very hard to stay awake until a reasonable time to fall asleep. I've been up since 5:00 AM and I haven't napped and I'm sleepy. On the plus side, I watched a lot of House Hunters International and did some grocery shopping. I also finally found black combat boots while thrifting. I have been trying to find some for my Hilda cosplay for forever, because I don't want to mess with my black combat boots that I actually wear out, since the cosplay calls for pink soles. I'm going to try putting pink washi tape on them, and then maybe painting the washi tape, because I don't want to ruin the shoes, but I thought it was too risky to try on my expensive boots, so I've been searching many thrift stores for many weeks to find some. The ones I got are a teensy bit bit, but I figure with socks it'll be just fine. And they were only $7.99! Yaaay! I'm so close to being done with that costume. I have to touch up the hat and add fabric to the armbands and then I'm done! I'm also nearly done with my Halloween costume. I just need to use some fabric paint on the socks. I bought a wig, but it looked ridiculous and I don't have the money to buy a nicer one, so I'm just going to be a brunette Fionna, fuck it. My hat is also not "her" hat, but it's close enough and it was like $3 (thrifted!) instead of the $20+ for an authentic one. But since I've got damn good wardrobe for that outfit, when I have more money I think I'll invest in the hat and a more accurate backpack so I can have two cosplay options for all the cons I don't attend. :D

Sunday, October 19, 2014

October 19th

I can't believe it's been a year since I saw Josh Groban...this year went by pretty quickly. And I can't believe I'll be back in Ireland in less than a month!

House Hunters International is on Netflix. So I watched a lot of that today. I don't even care if that show is staged, I just like seeing houses in different countries. Same goes for the regular House Hunters. It's cool seeing different houses/apartments.

I've been going through my perfume samples lately. I really want a full bottle of Alien Sunessence Legere. It's really similar to Alien Aqua Chic, but it's different enough that I want to own both of them. I think I'll try the Alien Sunessence Or d'Ambre again tonight, and I'm expecting a decant of Alien Les Parfums de Cuir in the mail soon too. Oh, Thierry Mugler, thank you for your endless flankers!

Saturday, October 18, 2014

October 18th

I slept weirdly last night. I went to bed really early, then had crazy dreams, woke up, slept more, woke up and ate, watched some YouTube videos, slept more, had more crazy dreams (one of which involved forgetting to blog, ah!), and then eventually it was morning. It was a lot of sleeping, being tired, waking, feeling very awake, then feeling quite tired...and today I've felt pretty sedentary just about all day, and I know my schedule's off because I'm eating at weird times. Now I'm super tired again. My sister is currently getting over a "mono-like virus" and I wonder if I caught it from her. At least my cold seems to be gone. But all I want to do now is nap. I'm all backwards! Cas is being a really good sleeping buddy though. He's been sleeping in my room for awhile now, and he doesn't try and bother me anymore. He's such a good boy.

Friday, October 17, 2014

October 17th

Legend of Korra was kind of mediocre today, but I get that it was mostly a set-up episode. I just want to see cool shit happen, you know?

I really want more perfume. I'm in one of those moods. I'm being really good and not buying any because obviously money is super tight right now, but I'm almost out of my Burberry London and I need to buy more soon! It's such a nice, classy, cozy perfume.

I also need to clean. Ugh. Can I pay someone to be my maid for a day?

Thursday, October 16, 2014

October 16th

I fell asleep right after blogging yesterday. I have no recollection of my blog alarm going off at 10:00. I was a sleepy lady. And now I'm sleepy again!
I also have a cold, so I'm a lady with a drippy nose. 

I can't wait to get my new perfumes from my recent swaps in the mail!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

October 15th

Hoooo boy, I'm tired. Here you go, this song has been stuck in my head for like three days now.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

October 14th

I had a sore throat yesterday, and today I've got the sniffles. I think I must be catching some autumnal cold. I bought some of my favorite Ricola throat drops though, so hopefully it'll all be okay! I've got four things to mail tomorrow, and my sweater to return to Forever 21 (I'm driving down to my dad's house tomorrow, as it turns out) and I feel so busy! So I'm going to try to go to bed at a reasonable hour, and also to stay asleep all night. My sleep schedule is so funky lately!

Cas says hello too, by the way! He's been such a good boy lately, I've even been letting him sleep in my room. So precious!

Monday, October 13, 2014

October 13th

Right. Today was a postal holiday. I'm so silly. 

I'm going to drive down to my dad's house tomorrow because I want to return something to Forever 21 without paying to ship it back, and I also need to print some things but my printer isn't working. I've never done returns with F21 before so we'll see how it goes. I just want the same sweater but in the next size up, so it would be brilliant if they had it in stock and I didn't have to order it and pay for shipping. It's the softest thing in the world. I tried it on last time I was in the store but didn't end up buying it, and then when I was ordering it online I could remember which size I had tried on. Aaand so I bought the wrong size. It was at a discount though and shipping was free, so not a big deal. But I absolutely must have it in the next size up because it is DIVINE. Wish me luck!

Sunday, October 12, 2014

October 12th

*aggressively waits by my mailbox for the next 16 hours*

How are you folks doing tonight? I've been really sleepy lately. I think it's the Lexapro. Also, the emotional stuff, like crying all the time? It's gone. It doesn't happen anymore. I knew it would go away and I'm so sad to have lost it. But not sad enough to cry, it seems.

The end of this week's Legend of Korra should have made me cry. It made me so happy and excited and emotional- it would have totally had me sobbing before the Lexapro. It's really hard to feel like this zombie-esque carapace of my emotional state from a week ago. I just want to feel more.

At least Cas and I are snuggling. That helps.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

October 11th

The mail hasn't arrived. I'm worried.

I did go on a nice walk around the lake this morning, though. Then I fed some ducks my crackers, and that attracted more ducks, and also geese. 

Also I found $80 boots at Goodwill for $7. 

Friday, October 10, 2014

October 10th

I ordered something on eBay that was supposed to come by today and it's not here yet. This worries me. Hopefully it comes tomorrow, or I'll be really worried. I need my package! I'm also expected quite a bit of other mail this week. I love getting mail!

Cas and I are cuddling right now. 

I'm going to try and go to bed now, as I've managed to go completely off my diurnal sleep schedule in the last week. Good night, my loves!

Thursday, October 9, 2014

October 9th

Since I've been painting a lot recently, I decided to send a letter back to the fine folks on the Two dots team and also paint them a little picture. David was kind enough to mention it on Twitter!

I also introduced Lexa to Two Dots. Lexa, if you're reading this, stop and go play some more! You need to catch up to me!

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

October 8th

Tonight: FaceOff and sleep. Also, why is my mail taking so long to arrive?

Hope you're all well!

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

October 7th

Hello humans! I'm feeling better today. I'm also feeling very sleepy. I'm going to try and sort out my sleep schedule tonight, as it's been off for a few days now. That Cherry Coke kept me up ALL NIGHT.

I started a new painting yesterday. It's not good though- I couldn't find a pencil to make a rough sketch so I was like "Whatever man, I can freehand this!" I could not, in fact, freehand it. So it looks a little bizarre right now. Maybe it'll turn out okay in the end, though.

I'm going to see if FaceOff is online, and if not, it's bedtime for Kate. If it is, then it's that first, then bedtime. No A:TLA tonight I think...I'm too tired.

Monday, October 6, 2014

October 6th

I am officially cleared to start taking Lexapro again! Although I have to start much slower than last time.

I had a moment of clarity today. Since being off of all antidepressants for about a month now, I have noticed - especially in the past week - that I have been a lot more emotional about things. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I get teary-eyed a lot. I've never felt this emotional about things, and it's kind of nice. It's very freeing to get those feelings out. I like that I have such an emotional response to touching things. It feels very real and genuine.

That's what people mean when they say that taking antidepressants turns them into emotionless zombies. I've been on medication since I was eight years old. I always though I was just the type of person who didn't cry easily. I could watch hours of homecoming or proposal videos, listening to moving music, watch a sad movie...I didn't cry. Not often, anyway.

Now I feel like I'm really in tune with my emotions, and I feel so much more connected to the things that make me emotional.

So after all this waiting to go back on Lexapro, to help me get back to work, to get back to living...I'm worried I'm going to lose this really wonderful emotional side of myself that's come out.

(Which of course makes me cry.)

I feel like I'm giving up these true, visceral emotions in order to go back to "normal." Don't get me wrong- I know that right now, I'm not where I need to be. I'm still struggling with anxiety. And there are other depressive symptoms, too. (Like when I don't feel super emotional, I feel kinda shitty. I also have minimal motivation for anything, and I've been spending more time in bed each day than I should.)

I should note, too, that my emotional crying has been due to things that have made me happy. Music, TV shows, those sorts of things - beautiful things that touch me. I don't want to lose that. I want to keep feeling this really deep emotional connection to things that I love. I feel like these drugs are suppressing that. I finally understand why people say some antidepressants make them feel "nothing." I still want to feel. But I also know I need to take my Lexapro so that I can manage the not-so-nice symptoms I've been having.

It's put me in a really difficult spot emotionally. Sitting in the doctor's office today, being told I could start taking Lexapro again, I was so happy. Driving away from the doctor's office, realizing that the things that make me happy won't feel as strong anymore...that made me upset.

Being on antidepressants for so many years, I didn't realize I could have so many strong feelings about so many things, to the point where I'd cry about it. (In a good way - again, not talking about sad tears here.)

I'll keep you guys updated. I start the Lexapro tomorrow morning. It'll take a few weeks to work, and I'm not starting at the same dose I'll be taking in a few weeks. But hopefully I'll be able to take a dose that's smaller than what I was taking before, because I want to hold on to this emotion, because it's beautiful and visceral and happy and real.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

October 5th

I hate driving at night. I really hate it. I feel like I can't see, I feel like deer are going to run out in front of me, I feel like people are tired or drunk and aren't driving as well as during the day. So that, coupled with my current anxiety issues, made driving down to my dad's house tonight pretty awful. I was only on the road for about 15 minutes when I realized my anxiety was getting extremely bad (also an 18-wheeler tried to merge into me), to the point where I couldn't drive as well, so I took the next exit and found a parking lot, calmed down, took some Klonopin and...couldn't find my way back to the freeway. Wherever I'd turned into didn't allow me to go back out the way I came, so I ended up going like half a mile down some sketchy road with no lighting, and then when I came to a dirt road/dead end, I literally just turned around in the middle of the road and went back. Then I saw four deer on the side of the road, which scared the shit out of me. I was obviously going really slowly, but still. Then they ran off into this forest that looked like it was out of a horror film- there was a line of trees and then behind that it was pitch black, like it went on forever. I eventually found my way back to the freeway though, and the rest of my drive was slightly less tense (thank you, Game of Owns, for distracting me just enough so that I wasn't thinking about how anxious I was), although it was still awful. So, casual reminder to myself- don't wait all day to drive down to the cities. do it when there's daylight. Driving at night is horrible.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

October 4th

Cas has been barfy lately. The first time it was like actual human vomit, smell and everything, and it was horrific. Then he's had three little hairball/barf balls since then. I don't know if he's just got a bug, or if something got into his food, or what. He's still happy to eat and drink, so I don't know what his deal is. But I am definitely not enjoying the clean-up. I've never been bothered by cat barf before, but I had a hell of a time yesterday trying to clean up his. I legitimately almost puked myself, several times. Yuck.

I'm having another general malaise day. I just feel really unmotivated and grumpy, and also cold because it's 34 freaking degrees here. I really hope Monday's appointment can help get me back on track to being sorted out. Fingers crossed!

Friday, October 3, 2014

October 3rd

Hey, I was on this thing. At like 50 minutes in or so. I do love me some Ross Everett, so maybe check it out? Watch the whole thing if you're feeling adventurous! Then you'll understand why I asked Ross to name my penis, and the Netflix stuff.

My penis is a SIR.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

October 2nd

I can't believe Korra premieres tomorrow. I already think it's coming back much too soon, but the fact that it's supposed to take place three years later is even weirder. I love Legend of Korra, but I really appreciate how much more exciting a show is when you've had to wait awhile to watch a new episode. (Looking at you, Game of Thrones!) Plus this is the very end of the show - which makes me infinitely sad - so I don't want it to end so soon. 

So I'm watching Avatar now. I haven't cried yet! Tonight, anyway. 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

October 1st

Happy October everyone! Enjoying your pumpkin-flavored/scented everything?

Cas' thumb(?)nails grow so much quicker than his other nails. He keeps getting them stuck in fabric.

The guy who was working on fixing my bathroom was here for about six hours today. And he'll be back tomorrow. Gosh, I love when I can't use the toilet in my own place!

I'm crazy sleepy now though, so I'm gonna play some Two Dots and go to bed!

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

September 30th

As expected, this concert is definitely making my anxiety go a bit funny. I do have to stay til the end though, as I'm supposed to get a signed poster afterwards. (I pre-ordered my ticket, etc.) The problem I'm having is that I can't sit anywhere here, so I feel weirdly antsy. But I'm still having fun. :)

Monday, September 29, 2014

September 29th

Within Temptation concert tomorrow! I'm hoping that'll be super fun, because I hella love them. I haven't been sleeping well though, and I just feel like crap. So I'm going to try and go to sleep pretty soon I think.

Last night I was in a super crying mood. I started crying over one thing, and then after that, everything was making me cry. I couldn't go to sleep when I wanted because I was so randomly teary. I've been feeling a bit more cry-y than usual lately (seriously, I got choked up during the premiere of The Amazing Race AND when I started my rewatch of A:TLA), and I'm thinking that may be from the fact that I've been off my antidepressants for like a month now.

I've also been having what I consider to be brain zaps, although I'm not sure that's what they actually are. I know brain zaps are a thing, but I don't know if what I'm having is that thing. Basically, you know when you're in a plane, and it does a fast descent, and you get that feeling in your stomach? But you also kind of get it in your brain? I've been having that a lot lately. I know "brain zaps" (which are more often described as shocks) are common when abruptly discontinuing antidepressants, so that might be what's going on.

I also just feel shitty. Like, general malaise shitty.

I also feel like everything smells like cat piss around here. Today I cleaned (like, with soap and water) Cas' litter box, scoop, etc. It's practically brand-new squeaky clean. But the apartment still smells like piss and I think there must be some in the carpet. I've had the windows in the living room open for like two weeks and I've tried air fresheners and odor absorbers and nothing is helping. It also got cold. However, my room is stuffy. It feels gross in here. And it's messy, and I have no motivation to clean it. I started organizing and cleaning, but didn't finish. And the dishes need to be done but my aversion to getting my hands wet and having them feel cracked/dry mixed with how shitty I feel is not helping.

I need someone to come into my apartment and just clean it all up. It seems so daunting and every time I do clean part of it, it feels like it's still not clean, and my room is still stuffy but I'm cold from the living room and it stinks in here and there's probably mold in the sink and I just don't feel great about the whole thing.

Plus I hate the feeling I've got right now, the sleepy, generally ill feeling. No motivation, everything seems awful, I don't want to do much, etc. I hate that I still haven't been able to see a goddamn psychiatrist because even though I'm literally in a situation where I feel like crap and I can't work, NO ONE can or will see me. It's still another week before I get to see someone. And he's not even local. I have to drive an hour and a half just to get help. I feel like I'm simultaneously exhausted, sick, depressed, agitated, anxious, and on the verge of freaking out. It's a mess. I hope I can take Lexapro again and that it'll be okay for me to take SSRI's and that I can feel back to normal soon. My apartment is stressing me out. I need a magic fairy to clean my place and make Cas not be so smelly and to give me a nice, helpful medication to get me back on track.

It's cold in the other room but I still feel so stuffy in here. It's making me feel icky.

And hey, I'll probably have some strange men invade my apartment at 10:00 AM tomorrow to tear apart my bathroom. Awesome.

I hope you're all doing well. I love you all lots!

Sunday, September 28, 2014

September 28th

My new glasses aren't working out. The way the frames and the lenses go together just doesn't work- my prescription is so insanely high that the lenses bend so much that they distort the parts of my face that you seen behind my glasses. So it appears rimless glasses are out of the question. Luckily Lenscrafters is awesome and I can swap them out for some different ones. Thanks, LC.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

September 27th

I'm agitated with Two Dots. I feel like I'm on a level that's 85% about luck and 15% skill. I've got the skill down- I've had 126 levels to practice. But even if I do everything right, it doesn't give me the elements I need to complete the level. I've tried different strategies, and I've been on this level for three days or so. I think it's a game issue, not a Kate issue.

My Lush bath bomb was pretty sweet. Bathing is green water is fun. And my cupcake face mask was fun too! We'll see how my skin likes it.

Friday, September 26, 2014

September 26th

Well, my bathroom ceiling is gone again. More leaking. More bursting. But this time it happened while I was away sooo my bathroom got soaked. Including my two new bath mats. I still have the receipts and tags for those so they might be going back. I don't know what was in that ceiling water, but it's probably not nice. It's also going to be awhile before they can come fix my bathroom again and I'm supposed to be down in Minnetonka next week when they ~might~ be coming, which is a problem because I can't leave Cas there with them. I worry about him. He could run out the door or they could step on him or something. And I'm definitely not going to keep him in my room for that long. My bathroom here is cursed! But hopefully the bath bomb I bought yesterday is not. I don't think it is. It smells like Froot Loops.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

September 25th

Don't worry lovelies, I didn't forget about you! I'm just very sleepy tonight. I'm at my dad's house now, but I trekked out to the Mall of America to go to Lush, and it just tired me out. There was a lot of walking and a lot of sensory involvement. But at least I got Dippin' Dots! I also decided to try a bath bomb from Lush. I went there to get a facial cleanser, but I've heard wonderful things about their bath bombs, so I figured I'd give it a go. It'll be an adventure!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

September 24th

It's about time to start my yearly rewatch of Avatar: TLA! I might rewatch season three of Legend of Korra too. Then I have to finish my Hilda cosplay hat and my Luca Blight painting and mail like three things and I'm going home tomorrow to pick up mail and do laundry and whoa stress. I also have to return stuff and buy stuff and there's just so much to do.

Two weeks til I can get on my new meds. That seems like so, so far away because I just want to get back to work. I'm also going to the Within Temptation concert on the 30th but I'm not sure how well that's going to go. I'm really upset because I'm worried it'll just be sensory overload and way too much stress and I'll have to leave early which saddens me so deeply because I've loved them for years but since they're based in Europe, they don't come to the US much, and when they do it's to like NYC and LA. Grr. Dammit, I will enjoy myself!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

September 23rd

I slept most of today. Whoops! But I had a lovely time with my new psychologist this morning. She seems really cool.

I'm painting again now! Tonight's theme: Two Dots. (Luca Blight is on hiatus because he's hard.)

Monday, September 22, 2014

September 22nd

How to tell your anxiety is a problem:

I bought this amazing sparkling pumpkin cider today. I had some, liked it, and thought gosh, vanilla rum would make this even better. So I put in just a wee bit of rum (like 1/4 shot) and then had a few sips. Delicious. Then I realize that whoa, I'm taking different medication these days, and Ativan and alcohol are both CNS depressants. So I poke around the internet and everyone is like DON'T MIX ATIVAN AND ALCOHOL because you'll get sleepy and go to sleep and stop breathing.

So now I'm terrified to go to sleep. I'm so, so tired and have been all day, but now I'm like "oh god it's the benzos/alcohol" and I had my last dose of Ativan hours ago and so, so little alcohol but I literally feel like I'm going to have a panic attack and I'm too afraid to sleep. And I need to be up early tomorrow but I'm literally scared to sleep because I had a small dose of Ativan hours ago and the tiniest bit of alcohol just now. Like I am legit afraid.

Anxiety ignores logic. I'm sure it's fine. It should be fine. But I'm terrified.

I get to see a psychologist tomorrow morning though! Maybe I'll tell her about this. I need some coping mechanisms, man.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

September 21st

Cas is hyper tonight. He's also really farty. I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm extra tired. Also hungry.

I have nearly all of my Halloween costume complete! It just needs to arrive in the mail. :)

Saturday, September 20, 2014

September 20th

Sup homies? I'm gonna work on my Luca Blight painting for a bit and then go to bed. I tried to do another painting without sketching it out first and it looks like shiiiit so I dunno what to do with it. Does anyone want an asymmetrical anchor?

Friday, September 19, 2014

September 19th

I'm so sleepy, but I wanted to get more stuff done tonight! I wanted to watch some Pokémon and Avatar: TLA buuut I'm tired. 

I got an amazing package in the mail today from the lovely folks over at Play Dots. They wrote me a sweet letter and sent me stickers! 

I had my first pumpkin chai latte of the year today to celebrate my progress, whee. Three years!

Time for sleep! I keep having weird dreams, so I'm hoping for something fun tonight. Maybe I can be a Pokémon master. 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

September 18th

Blah, I feel icky today. Not anxious, just unwell. And I'm kinda chilly. And my toilet overflowed today and flooded my bathroom. But tomorrow will be better!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

September 17th

I am super chilly right now. I'm gonna go to bed after some good ol' Lucahjin Twitch streaming.

How's everyone's week going?

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

September 16th

I went to Goodwill yesterday. I decided to poke around the men's tshirts, because I have very few tshirts and for some reason, all unisex tees get put in the men's section at Goodwill. (Except the pink ones.) I found this super comfy, slightly oversized grey tee and fell in love with it, but decided I didn't need it after I found something else that I did need- a cosplay piece I've been seeking out for many, many months. So I left the grey tee behind.

Today I went back to Goodwill. I was feeling stressed after doing some chores and wanted to find the comforting grey shirt and buy it. It had been on my mind since yesterday. I knew it would make me really happy. I went to the men's shirts, and it wasn't there. I scoured every size, every color. I checked the women's shirts. I checked the kids' shirts. I checked and re-checked. It was just a boring grey shirt, why would anyone buy it in the span of a day? I was devastated. I found another grey men's tee, just a plain one, to be a replacement. It wasn't the same, but it was still great. Then, in one last futile attempt, I went back to the women's activewear section. And there it was. My grey men's tshirt in the wrong size spot in the wrong place, it was there. I literally teared up. I'd been searching for almost an hour for this shirt. I grabbed it so fast and bought it (and the replacement grey tee that I also love) and now I'm in bed with my favorite pajama pants and my perfect new tshirt and my favorite perfume and I'm happy. Now I'm going to take a nap. :)

Monday, September 15, 2014

September 15th

Cas peed on the carpet today. I don't know why. I already had to get rid of the futon, I don't want to have to call in carpet cleaners. (I can't afford carpet cleaners!) He needs to get himself sorted out. He and I are cuddling right now though. He's nibbling my nose, though...I wish he wouldn't do that. Like, I know it's a big target, but still. It's a good thing he's so cute.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

September 14th

The sleepies are getting me. 

I woke up feeling great this morning. I felt like I was all back to normal. I got dressed all cute, did my makeup, it was nice. I went to Bed Bath and Beyond with the intention of also going a few other places since I have some giftcards, but I got bad tremors again leaving BB&B, and they got especially bad driving home. It was the full-body akathisia, not just the leg bouncing. So I stayed in for the rest of the day, feeling pretty lame. Now I'm thinking I'll take a little Ativan and sleep. I have to actually do stuff tomorrow, so sure, 6:39 PM seems like a reasonable time for some sleep. 

Not working is hard. I miss working. I also miss paychecks. How do I pay my bills? D:

Saturday, September 13, 2014

September 13th

I'm back in St. Cloud! I actually was able to do a few things today other than sleep, and Sarah even came over for a little bit. It also turns out that in protest of my absence, Cas took to peeing on the futon. Delightful. I also spilled an entire bag of cat food on the kitchen floor today. Welcome home Kate, everything is crazy! I'm going to try to go out tomorrow and just be outside a bit. The weather is nice, and being cooped up inside all day is no fun. I can't believe it's been almost a week since I was in the hospital. I feel like I'm doing better! Yay!

Friday, September 12, 2014

September 12th

I'm heading back to my apartment tomorrow. I need to spend some time with my cat. I miss him, and I know he's lonely up there. My poor baby! I'm gonna give him so many cuddles tomorrow. I'm excited to have access to a car again, too. I can't drive much because I'm so sleepy most of the time, but there are a few hours every day where I'm pretty alert. Those will be my getting-stuff-done hours, assuming going out doesn't freak me out too much. I've got quite a few doctor's appointments to make for this week, so hopefully I can get in to see who I need to see.

Sorry this has partially turned into a health blog. Short, silly entries and cat videos will return soon!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

September 11th

I'm constantly sleepy. I feel like I could sleep all day and all night, and I very nearly have been. I'm thinking about taking another nap now. I went to bed at like 10 last night and slept soundly til 6, then took a nap at noon until 3, and I'm still so sleepy. And I haven't even taken the long-acting med today, just half a dose of Ativan like nine hours ago. I dunno, man. I prefer this to being totally freaked out of course, but I'm ready to be all well again!

I'm pretty into Quiz Up lately. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

September 10th

I'm a very sleepy lady tonight. I'm doing okay, slightly better than yesterday. I just gotta keep on keeping on until the serotonin toxicity isn't an issue anymore, and then I can hopefully start taking a long-term medication again instead of (or maybe in addition to?) my calming meds. It's weird being so sleepy all the time. It's not tiredness, it's sleepiness. Like, droopy eyes and lethargy, not the tired you feel after you exert yourself. That plus my wiggly legs and inability to stay still is a funny combo, but at least I'm getting good sleep, I think. It feels refreshing, anyway!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

September 9th

All right, I'm sleepy but I'm going to give you guys a very well-deserved update today!

On Saturday afternoon, my mom came up to visit me. We decided I should go to the ER, as my anxiety symptoms had gotten progressively worse over the course of about a week. At that point I was having a lot of fidgeting, tremors, restlessness, agitation, and trouble sleeping, plus I would get very anxious in any sort of public place. (For example, I was kind of tweaking out when I went to Walmart to make a return.)

Quick backstory: I was on a particular medication from about age 12 or 14 or so up until this past March, when I switched because while I felt the previous medication handled my anxiety very well, I still felt unmotivated and has some depressive symptoms. So from March up until about two weeks ago, I was on a newer medication. Two weeks ago, quite suddenly, I started experienced very noticeable anxiety symptoms. They got worse and I switched back to the highest dose of the old medication I was on without building up to it and without weaning off the other one, which was at the suggestion of the nurse at my doctor's office, as my doctor is out of the office for the month of September.

So anyway, my mom drove me to the ER and the doctors said I'd started too much of the old med too soon, and that I should just decrease my dose and I'd be fine. My mom and I went to Target and I started feeling light-headed and dizzy, a possible side-effect of the meds. Back at my apartment I felt tightness in my chest, which I attributed to the anxiety.

That night, my symptoms got worse. I was shaking, my chest was tight and I felt like it was hard to breathe. I was incredibly weak because for the past week I'd been shaking and fidgeting my legs uncontrollably, and it was moving to my hands and even neck when I would stand up. I felt dizzy and often like I was going to pass out. I didn't sleep that night. The next morning the nausea came, along with hot flashes, retching, and feeling like I was going to pass out. My mom was unable to come up to bring me to the ER, so I called for an ambulance. (Which just made me more anxious, because holy shit calling 911 and having to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance is scary.)

I had a great paramedic in the ambulance who immediately gave me some anti-nausea meds after I said I got motion sickness really easily, and riding backwards in a vehicle with no windows was like a nightmare. I still felt nauseous and anxious, but I managed not to puke! I was feeling very much like I was going to pass out and my chest was very tight though, so I got an oxygen mask.

At the hospital, I was put in a room and given one of those heart rate things for your finger, and then they left me in my room. I waited for 5-10 minutes and no one came in except the initial nurse who just took my info and gave me my wristband. I was still feeling dizzy and like I was going to pass out and had a lot of pressure in my chest, so I paged a nurse. And no one came. For 15-20 minutes I was in there clutching the guard rails of my gurney, shaking, feeling like I was going to pass out, feeling like I couldn't breathe, and no one came when I pushed the assistance button. Eventually nurse came in. I told her what was happening. Her response? "Just try to calm down and breathe." She then turned off the lights and left me. I was so frustrated by that. Eventually a doctor came in (his first response was, "Why are the lights off?") and told me someone would be in shortly to give me some medication to calm my system down. Then he left, and I was there still in distress. Eventually someone came and gave me something to essentially tranquilize me. I fell asleep pretty quickly after that, and then my mom showed up.

I was wheeled out to my mom's car my some nurse who decided I needed to go very quickly, so I was being pushed at an alarming rate which made me feel super light-headed. I got in my mom's car and proceeded to be about 25% awake for the car ride down to her house. When I got there I hazily went up to my bedroom and went straight to bed.

Yesterday I went in to see a psychiatrist. He told me I likely had serotonin toxicity, although luckily a pretty mild case. This was from switching to such a high dose of that medication without first weaning off the other one, then building up to the high dose. He told me not to take either of those meds and prescribed two new meds for me. One was the same one they gave me at the hospital, which is a fast-acting but not long-lasting sedative, and the other is a similar drug but one that takes a little longer to work and lasts longer. So I've been taking those for two days now, just on an "as needed" basis. I do the quick one in the morning and it calms me down a bit. But nothing so far has been able to stop my need to move/shake/wiggle my right leg. (You know when you're in class and someone's bumping their leg up and down during a test out of nervousness? That's me, just about 24/7 now.) I've also taking the longer acting drug but it makes me sleepy. I took it this afternoon and promptly fell asleep, and was awoken by my sister telling me it was 9:00. I was so disoriented that I thought she meant 9:00 AM. Since then I've eaten a bit and hung out with my sister. Luckily I'm able to interact and socialize in a home environment okay, although I still have a lot of excess nervous energy.

The plan going forward is to wait for the two serotonin-based drugs to get completely out of my system, and use the two newer "chill out" drugs in the meantime to manage my symptoms. I'm still not able to do anything in public as it's extremely overwhelming and I'm so anxious and restless and agitated, as well as still a bit light-headed. I may have a bit of withdrawal symptoms from the other meds too. Hopefully in a week or so I can try and get started on a new medication that I can just take once a day and it will get me back to where I was before this whole mess started.

My worry going forward is that I'm going to be one of those people who is either on a cocktail of drugs, or who can't find something that works and thus am unable to work or function well. This terrifies me. I was so happy at my job and doing well with it, and I want to go back and do it normally like before. I was pretty mentally okay for many years in terms of anxiety symptoms and ability to function, so this sudden change is really bumming me out. I feel very isolated, very alone, and very unhappy. I miss that just a month ago, I was functioning completely fine, and then things just suddenly went awry and no one seems to no why. I just want to be able to go back to feeling like I did before, not being bedridden and bound to my house and feeling so off.

Sorry this was such a long entry, but I wanted to give you all and update, and it'll be nice to have this for my own records too. Mental health is a funny thing, huh?

Also, a funny fact: While I was debating whether or not to call for an ambulance, I decided it was very important that I blog first, then call, in case I didn't have access to a cellphone or I was kept there overnight. Priorities! Blogging! Yay!