Tuesday, December 11, 2012

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I am in utter, complete shock. I went to look at my archives and there's...no blog post from yesterday. I didn't blog. I thought I did. I was home by 9:00 PM. I remember my blog alarm going off. I was on the computer.

This is literally surreal. I feel sick. How could I forget? How could I ruin this for myself, and so stupidly? It's not like there was an emergency and I couldn't get to a computer. I was there. I thought I blogged. I always blog.

1,064 consecutive entries. That's the final count. It's not even a nice number. My last consecutive post wasn't even nice. It was short and stupid and pointless.

I feel like crying or throwing up. I never wanted it to end like this. I wanted it to end on my terms. I was doing so well and I literally cannot believe this. I don't know what to say or write or do. I don't know if I can blog again tomorrow as if nothing has happened. Now what do I say? "I've blogged every single day for over 1,000 days except that one time I forgot." No. Now I have nothing. I have lost the one constant in my life. The thing I did, that I always did, I messed it up. Now what? Now I have blogged one day, consecutively. What complete and utter shit.

Should I be proud of my blogging accomplishment? Yeah, probably, but I wasn't ready for it to end and it didn't have to end. I could have kept going for so, so much longer.

I ruined it for myself. I ruined one of the best things I've ever done. I'm not ready to be done. But now this is just a blog. It's not a special blog. It's a blog like everyone else - everyone else who blogs often, but not every single day. That's what every other blog is. But mine was different. It was something I did, the only thing I did, that I was so good at. I was good at blogging everyday. It was my thing.

So now what? I want to keep blogging, but I feel like my blog no longer has a purpose. It's not like I blogged about anything important most of the time, it was a just a blog where I blogged every day. That was its purpose. And now that's gone. And the archives of it are brilliant and telling but now what is it?

"I've blogged for over 1,000 days consecutively and never missed a day."
"I've blogged for over 1,000 days consecutively, and I've only missed one day."

The second one just sounds like a fuck up. "Hey Kate, why did you miss that day?" It wasn't an emergency. I had internet. I just screwed it up.

I feel like I've lost a part of my identity. Like something has been ripped out of my chest and there's a hole there.

Maybe I'll convert this blog into something else. Maybe I'll start blogging about different things. I don't know. I feel so lost.

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