Sunday, January 15, 2017

January 15th

My mental health has been taking a bit of a nosedive as of late. Really, it hasn't been great for a few months, mostly since about when winter started happening, but the past week especially has been rough. I feel incredibly overwhelmed, sometimes by things that are not a huge deal. I've been sleeping too much and staying in bed too much. My motivation to do most things is barely there, if at all. Today my anxiety finally caught up with my depression, so instead of just feel despondent and upset, I also became panicked and distraught. Everything felt like it was happening in HD, way too fast and too much all at once. And all the while, I could not get myself out of bed to take a shower because that seemed like the hardest task ever and there was some executive malfunction in my brain that was saying I simply couldn't do it. My body just would not. It is a very scary feeling, knowing you want and need to do something but you feel unable for essentially no reason.

I also got a huge slap in the face about how my financial situation has changed after moving. This is extra scary because right now, getting up and going to work is genuinely hard for me. I love my job and I enjoy it while I'm there, but actually getting out of bed and getting ready is so difficult- again, for no real reason. But at this point, I'm really need a second job. I simply don't make enough money. But the stress of finding a job is huge and I'm already feeling stressed about what seems like everything. Even Cas has been putting me on edge lately, which makes me sad. (He just likes to be in my personal space, often my face, and that's been kinda making me anxious lately.)

I feel terrible because I feel like I can't give enough to the people who deserve it. I feel like I'm upsetting my parents, my coworkers, and everyone else in my life. When I'm depressed or anxious I don't spend my time or money well which is bad. I feel like I'm getting worse at coping. I'd love to see a therapist, but I also worry that I won't be able to get my ass out of my house to actually see said therapist. I'm due for an appointment with my psychiatrist soon at least, so if nothing else, maybe I can adjust my medication towards something that helps. Even my OCD has been noticeably worse lately.

I wish my apartment was clean. I know with certainty that would help. I wish I could pay back people who I owe money, namely Brad and my dad. (Tax returns are soon though, thank goodness.) I wish I'd done Cas' insurance sooner. I wish my job had consistent hours. I wish it wasn't winter, or that winter didn't seem so bad. Onwards and upwards.

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