Saturday, December 17, 2016

December 17th

I've tried writing this entry several times now and I can't figure out how to word anything I want to say. What it boils down to is that I feel like I try really hard and get little, whereas others don't try as hard - or don't need it as badly, or both - and get more. This winter has been very hard for me in so many aspects of my life, from finances to mental health. And while I feel like there are some people in my life who are supportive, others who I thought would be supportive have been...more absent. I've struggled my entire life with feeling like people are just pretending to be my friend or just being nice to me out of pity. I often feel like I'm annoying many of the people I consider friends. I'm also feeling bitter and resentful for somewhat petty reasons, and perhaps I'm selfish and ungrateful, but I just feel like the odd one out...again. I guess part of what I'm feeling is knowing that I'm no one's first choice as a friend. I don't mean to imply that I want to be everyone's best friend, but I do feel like I'm only someone's friend if I'm there with a group, or I'm the friend-of-a-friend, etc. Sorry if this is confusing, I just have way too many thoughts pent up and want to get them out, but also don't want to be too specific. But hey, tomorrow is another day.

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