September 13th

Last night was rough. It was scary. Never before in my mental health struggles have I thought, "I don't know how to do this- I can't do this." The impossibility of overcoming what I'm learning is going to be an extreme hardship seemed so real. I researched benzodiazepine withdrawal more, and it's so much worse than I thought. Six months of brutal recovery is the minimum, with a whole plethora of symptoms. And unlike many illnesses, it's not a case of it starting horribly and gradually getting better- it's an unpredictable roller coaster of symptoms. I'm terrified of how that will affect my job and my life. I've had anxiety since I was 8, depression since 12, and yet just now do I feel like I've been diagnosed with a terrible condition. Some people experience withdrawal for years. I don't want to be one of those people. I so desperately want this to just come and go. I felt like I was finally going to get a handle on my life here. I was going to get a degree, get a job, and enjoy my life. Now I'm scared of months, even years being taken from that goal. I felt like I was making progress and now I feel worse. Please, if I can ask one thing, it would just be for love and support.