Friday, September 30, 2016

September 30th

Tomorrow is the first day of Halloween! ;) I'm so excited for autumn this year. Minus the stink bugs, autumn here is really nice! And I love fall clothes! Give me all the sweaters and leggings and boots!

Thursday, September 29, 2016

September 29th

You know what Ohio has that Minnesota does not? Stink bugs. A lot of stink bugs. There was one that had been hanging out on my ceiling for like a week and I thought, gee, I should get rid of that thing. I'd left it there not wanting to agitate it, but I figured by this point it wasn't going to fly at me or anything. Turns out it was still alive, despite not moving for a week, and even though I grabbed it in a tissue, I got stink on me. Let me tell you something. I've gotten ladybug stink on me. I've gotten boxelder stink on me. They do not compare to a stink bug. This motherfucker smells like bad cilantro, and I hate cilantro. And the stink does not come off. I've washed my hands like five times with five different things, exfoliated, used two different lotions...and it's only just finally starting to wear off. I hate stink bugs. They are loud and they swoop at you and then they make you smell bad. Almost makes me miss mosquitoes!

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

September 28th

There's a cat café in Columbus! It just opened! Brad and I are going on Sunday!

Work was actually really fun today. I love adorable children.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

September 27th

How do you blog with a cat in your lap? *casually sets laptop on top of Cas* Perfect.

Had kind of a downer day for no reason in particular. I went out for a little bit, but it was kind of a blah day. Nothing of importance to note, I'm afraid! Tomorrow is work (and returning ill-fitting clothes to H&M) and then probably just chilling with Brad. Hopefully we can finish out season three of Legend of Korra. We got so caught up in other things! I'm just ready for Kuvira to show up, really.

Monday, September 26, 2016

September 26th

Well that debate was an absolutely surreal experience, wasn't it? I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if Trump is elected president. It would be one of the greatest failures in American history. (And we've had a lot of failures.)

At least work was good today. And so was my smoothie. It's the little things.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

September 25th

My face feels better today! Thank goodness! It's still a little warm and itchy but oh my gosh it feels like paradise compared to yesterday! I also finally have a proper lamp in my living room! Progress on all fronts!

Tomorrow is work and then...exploring, maybe!

Saturday, September 24, 2016

September 24th

Ahh, fun times. Woke up feeling dizzy, lightheaded and nauseous. And my face? Still itchy. I tried some different lotion (hydrocortisone and aloe) but it didn't help at all. I ended up rinsing it all off and my face actually feels less itchy, finally! However, it is VERY warm, like I'm running a fever. I'm guessing it's still the allergic reaction or whatever is going on but I'm not sure. I'm not warm anywhere else. Also, I bought a new thermometer...and it doesn't work. So I can't check my temperature. Brad came over for a bit though and we got back into watching Legend of Korra. We were going to eat dinner together but for some reason I never got hungry. I did eat a little but I have like no appetite. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go to a minute clinic kinda place tomorrow just because I'm feeling so out of sorts. It's very frustrating and also scary, not knowing what's wrong or why it happened. I've done skin tests of face products I've used recently but no luck. So...I don't know. I'm just going to try and have a calm evening!

Friday, September 23, 2016

September 23rd

Hi hi! I am having a strange allergic reaction and I don't know what to! But last night's slightly itchy face has turned into a very itchy face and a rash and sadness! I tried some colloidal oatmeal which helped for a second but not anymore. My Allegra didn't help either. I have no idea what caused it! But even my earlobes itch! If it's not better tomorrow I'm gonna see a doctor since Brad and I are already going to get our flu shots. SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

Thursday, September 22, 2016

September 22nd

Long day today! And I'm feeling sleepy! My dad and I had a great dinner though (quiche!) and tomorrow we may swing by the mall. I hope you're all doing well!

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

September 21st

My doctor's appointment went well! Thank goodness! She's very supportive of me dropping these benzos like a hot plate and getting on something much better for me.

My dad's coming tomorrow and I need to clean! But I'm really tired! Eep!

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

September 20th

Had a bit of an unhappy stomach earlier, but I just noticed that Cas is at the foot of my bed and it made me a million times happier.

Last night was so special. I just feel really grateful. Tomorrow I meet with a doctor to discuss my future and benzodiazepines and who knows what else. I'm going to try and carry this confidence to that appointment. I deserve it.

Monday, September 19, 2016

September 19th

It's a good thing I'm home before midnight, because the Blogger app just keeps crashing. What a pain.

Aside from that, today was so wonderful! Brad took me out to dinner and to the beach! He also bought me a new camera and ahhhh I do not have to word to express my excitement or gratitude. We took lots of pictures of the moon because it was super beautiful tonight, and we just kind of stood out in the lake together. I love him a lot, I really do.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

September 18th

Happy Sunday! Work was actually really fun today. Lots of cute kiddos and fun parents, plus it was just the right length for a shift. I love that. I was even kinda naughty and got Starbucks afterwards. I'm trying to find more drinks out there besides smoothies that have no coffee and are caffeine free, which is hard! I miss chai tea lattes so much. I might have one anyway...tomorrow is a big day! I'm not sure what all I'm doing yet but Brad and I might go to the beach or rent a paddle boat or something. Maybe we can even find some exciting wildlife! Maybe I can hug a bird!

Saturday, September 17, 2016

September 17th

It seems the Blogger app likes to crash in iOS 10. Brilliant. 

Brad and I went for a little swim today! It was super fun! I work tomorrow so I'm just having a relaxing evening. Yay!

Friday, September 16, 2016

September 16th

I've had a quiet day today, so I don't really have much to talk about once again! Just hanging out with my cuddle bug Cas (there was a not-so-cuddly bug on my ceiling earlier) and watching YouTube at the moment.

I've got a lot of cleaning ahead of me this week, as my dad is coming to visit on Thursday. Cleaning really intimidates me, and my room isn't exactly what I would call clean. Brad has been so helpful though and really helped with tidying up the living room, and I'm so grateful! We may very well do some more cleaning together tomorrow!

Thursday, September 15, 2016

September 15th

I slept so weirdly last night and my neck and shoulders have been so tense all day, and my head hurts! I really want to go get another one of those volcanic stone massages.

Not too much to blog about today! I'm just sneezy and achy, but I'm catching up on YouTube so all is well!

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

September 14th

Work was stressful. It's going to be even more stressful tomorrow. I don't want these health issues to affect my work and I'm scared they will, and scared to talk about it. It makes me feel so guilty, like I'm not trying hard enough to be a good employee. I just want everyone to understand that this is beyond my control but I just feel so bad since I'm new and I'm already causing issues. Or at least I feel like I am. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

September 13th

Last night was rough. It was scary. Never before in my mental health struggles have I thought, "I don't know how to do this- I can't do this." The impossibility of overcoming what I'm learning is going to be an extreme hardship seemed so real. I researched benzodiazepine withdrawal more, and it's so much worse than I thought. Six months of brutal recovery is the minimum, with a whole plethora of symptoms. And unlike many illnesses, it's not a case of it starting horribly and gradually getting better- it's an unpredictable roller coaster of symptoms. I'm terrified of how that will affect my job and my life. I've had anxiety since I was 8, depression since 12, and yet just now do I feel like I've been diagnosed with a terrible condition. Some people experience withdrawal for years. I don't want to be one of those people. I so desperately want this to just come and go. I felt like I was finally going to get a handle on my life here. I was going to get a degree, get a job, and enjoy my life. Now I'm scared of months, even years being taken from that goal. I felt like I was making progress and now I feel worse. Please, if I can ask one thing, it would just be for love and support. 

Monday, September 12, 2016

September 12th

Friends, let's have a mental health chat. Now, I know this is the sort of thing you're not supposed to talk about on the internet, at least not without some form of anonymity. But I am not ashamed. And if somewhere down the line, a company reads my blog and decides not to hire me because I take medications or because I have depression or anxiety, then that's not really a company I'd want to work for anyway. Being open about my health gets a weight off my chest and can ease the anxiety, and I think it's so, so important to take away the stigma from mental health issues.

As some of you may recall, two years ago I had what I now call a panic episode. It was not a panic attack- it lasted several days, worsening each one, until I was taken to the hospital by an ambulance. That summer, the summer of 2014, I decided (along with my doctor) to stop taking Lexapro in favor of a different SSRI. (I can't remember if it was Prozac or Cymbalta.) I thought things were going okay until I gradually started feeling more anxious in early September. At first it was just general anxiety feelings- nervousness, restlessness, agitation, etc. Some mild nausea. General unease. That spiraled into me being so agitated and restless that I had to be moving at all times. I was constantly shaking my hands, wiggling my fingers, kicking my legs, anything to keep moving. I felt like if I stopped, by heart would go into overdrive. I felt like I was going to burst. I grabbed at my skin, because I constantly felt like I was going to pass out and need to feel something in order to stay grounded in the real world. I would pinch my arms to keep from panicking. I needed to feel something or I felt like I was going to slip away, like nothing was real. It was terrifying.

I called my doctor, but got the voicemail of the resident nurse. He called back saying that I should switch back to the Lexapro, as clearly my new medication was not working. Now, before I had switched, I was taking 40mg of Lexapro a day. That's a pretty high dose. My new medication was also an SSRI. So I took 40mg of Lexapro the next morning, after very little sleep, and without tapering off my old medication or back on to Lexapro. Within an hour or two, I knew something wasn't right. Not only was my panic episode increasing in magnitude to the point where I was having trouble breathing, but I also felt incredibly dizzy and nauseated. It was then that I called for an ambulance- I knew full well I was in no state to drive a car.

The ambulance ride was okay, all things considered. The first thing I told the paramedic was that I got motion sickness very easily, and that riding backwards in a vehicle with no windows was going to be an issue. I was given intravenous anti-nausea medication and managed to make the whole ride, bumpy as it was, without incident. I also had an oxygen mask, which made me feel a lot better.

The ER was a different story. I was left in a room, alone, for a very long time. I didn't have my oxygen mask. I thought I was going to pass out at any moment. I paged for a nurse, who told me to try and relax and turned off the lights. Needless to say, this did not help. The only way I got through that agonizing period of time was listening to a podcast on my phone to provide just the slightest distraction. Eventually a doctor came in and gave ma shot of something, which calmed me down almost instantly. Since I had slept a total of about three hours in the past two days, I fell asleep. My mom came to get me, and I was sent home to get some rest. I was prescribed Klonopin and Ativan, two benzodiazepines.

My doctor back home was out of the office, so I saw a different doctor. He explained that I had essentially overdosed on my Lexapro since there was already another SSRI in my system, and it had caused serotonin poisoning. I was taken off Lexapro for a month, and just took the benzos. That month was wild. My emotions were so different than anything I'd known in so long. I've been on Lexapro for about ten years, and this month without it was bizarre. I was emotional about everything. I just felt things differently.

Two years on, and I'm back on Lexapro, ever since November of 2014. However, I'm also still on the benzos. Those aren't supposed to be long-term medications, but my doctor kept prescribing them. And now I'm in a very weird place. No doctor here will prescribe them to me, and I'm on my last refill. I've been trying to taper off of one of them this past week, but last night I started experiencing withdrawal symptoms. (I'd always get minor withdrawal symptoms if I missed a dose, but this was full on anxiety, nausea, insomnia...all that jazz.) I wasn't able to go to work today. I still feel pretty awful, but more than that I feel very afraid.

I'm afraid of going off of these meds and experiencing withdrawal. I'm scared of having another panic episode. I'm scared of not being able to work and I'm scared of being fired. I'm worried I won't be able to get off my benzos, and I'm worried I won't find a replacement that keeps my anxiety at bay. I feel like I'm running out of time to get new medications, and I'm incredibly stressed out.

Dependence. Withdrawal. Getting worse before it gets better. These are all things I fear are coming. I feel so helpless and unsure of what to do. So for now, I'm just seeking good vibes from you guys and the universe to help me through this.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

September 11th

Tomorrow is shaping up to be another early morning for this lady! And I don't even get to go to Sephora! (I guess I could go, technically, but I have absolutely no need, or money.) I did recently find out that a perfume I've had my eye on for at least a year now may be getting reformulated though (from EDT to EDP) so I'm seriously considering buying it. It's Misia by Chanel, which does mean it's not cheap, but I've spent the same amount on another perfume before, and honestly I like Misia better. It reminds me of Putain des Palaces by ELDO a bit, but it's got this gentle fruitiness to it that I just love. It's the only "candied" violet scent that I really enjoy. Most others push the fruit to hard and it becomes a syrupy sweet mess. Looking at you, Insolence! I have enough samples of the other scents I like from the Les Exclusifs line that I don't feel like I need full bottles, since I just wouldn't wear them that much. Beige would be a really beautiful and unique addition to my collection but of course it's the same price, and buying two new perfumes right now really isn't realistic.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

September 10th

Listen, your girl here woke her ass up bright and early to attend the early access Sephora VIB Rouge event and it was totally worth it! I got so many awesome goodies, I can't wait to play with everything. 


Friday, September 9, 2016

September 9th

Done with work! I gotta wake up extra early tomorrow to go to a Seohora VIB Rouge event. It'll be worth it. 😭 Even though I have to go to work afterwards. I just want pretty makeup!

Thursday, September 8, 2016

September 8th

Feeling slightly disheartened about blogging and...people. Why is it that when I post dumb stuff (on any website) people are so responsive, but if I ask a question - any question! - it's like radio silence? I'd like to make a post about sexuality. I'd like to make a post about depression. I don't think people care. I know I do this blog for myself but it can be disheartening to feel like you're shouting into the void. But hey, can't stop won't stop. Blogger 4 lyfe. ✌🏻️

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

September 7th

Hi friends! I decided to go for a swim today. I have no idea when the pool at my apartment complex actually closes for the season (apparently not Labor Day, since no one yelled at me for going swimming...) and I wanted to take a dip before it closed. It was so incredibly relaxing! There was no one else there, and even though I can't really go underwater (contact lenses and bleached hair are both enemies of chlorine) I can still swim around. I lounged a bit too, but it got hot and I had no sunscreen, and I was thirsty. I also went on a little adventure to Old Hilliard with Brad! Nothing was really open, but we still got to look at some old stuff like a caboose and a church.

Perfume of the Day: Eau Duelle by Diptique

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

September 6th

I had a total do-nothing day today! I'm even wearing my glasses! I think I'll try and go on an adventure tomorrow, especially if it's not super hot!

I really want another cat! ;~;

Monday, September 5, 2016

September 5th

Ooh boy, I am having a sleepy night! Work was pretty short, but Brad and I went out for dinner (P. F. Chang's) and it just made me tired. In the good, cozy way. I sort of just want to cuddle up with Cas and fall asleep in his fluff. (I'm also a little hungry.)

I have a totally free day tomorrow and I have no idea what to do!

Sunday, September 4, 2016

September 4th

I'm rereading my old diary/journal/hot mess of a Word Document with Brad right now. It is so bad and full of teen angst and drama and it's kind of hysterical. And I wonder why I wasn't cool in middle/high school!

We've just gotten to the part where I was doing costume crew for my high school's production of Oklahoma! and I was in lust with basically every guy in the show. Cringe. At least I'm still friends with some of them!

Saturday, September 3, 2016

September 3rd

Sore throat again today. I'm thinking Monday or Tuesday for the doctor. Til then, YouTube!

Friday, September 2, 2016

September 2nd

As I am learning, knockoff Ramune will turn your stomach into a knot. So fun! I think this calls for a relaxing night. Sorry for the short post, but I gotta care for my tummy!

Thursday, September 1, 2016

September 1st

Happy September, cutie pies! I have a long weekend, so I'm really excited to relax! This week went by weirdly fast. I hardly remember it! Kinda bizarre, really.

Time to catch up on YouTube and snuggle with Castamere!