Monday, October 6, 2014

October 6th

I am officially cleared to start taking Lexapro again! Although I have to start much slower than last time.

I had a moment of clarity today. Since being off of all antidepressants for about a month now, I have noticed - especially in the past week - that I have been a lot more emotional about things. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I get teary-eyed a lot. I've never felt this emotional about things, and it's kind of nice. It's very freeing to get those feelings out. I like that I have such an emotional response to touching things. It feels very real and genuine.

That's what people mean when they say that taking antidepressants turns them into emotionless zombies. I've been on medication since I was eight years old. I always though I was just the type of person who didn't cry easily. I could watch hours of homecoming or proposal videos, listening to moving music, watch a sad movie...I didn't cry. Not often, anyway.

Now I feel like I'm really in tune with my emotions, and I feel so much more connected to the things that make me emotional.

So after all this waiting to go back on Lexapro, to help me get back to work, to get back to living...I'm worried I'm going to lose this really wonderful emotional side of myself that's come out.

(Which of course makes me cry.)

I feel like I'm giving up these true, visceral emotions in order to go back to "normal." Don't get me wrong- I know that right now, I'm not where I need to be. I'm still struggling with anxiety. And there are other depressive symptoms, too. (Like when I don't feel super emotional, I feel kinda shitty. I also have minimal motivation for anything, and I've been spending more time in bed each day than I should.)

I should note, too, that my emotional crying has been due to things that have made me happy. Music, TV shows, those sorts of things - beautiful things that touch me. I don't want to lose that. I want to keep feeling this really deep emotional connection to things that I love. I feel like these drugs are suppressing that. I finally understand why people say some antidepressants make them feel "nothing." I still want to feel. But I also know I need to take my Lexapro so that I can manage the not-so-nice symptoms I've been having.

It's put me in a really difficult spot emotionally. Sitting in the doctor's office today, being told I could start taking Lexapro again, I was so happy. Driving away from the doctor's office, realizing that the things that make me happy won't feel as strong anymore...that made me upset.

Being on antidepressants for so many years, I didn't realize I could have so many strong feelings about so many things, to the point where I'd cry about it. (In a good way - again, not talking about sad tears here.)

I'll keep you guys updated. I start the Lexapro tomorrow morning. It'll take a few weeks to work, and I'm not starting at the same dose I'll be taking in a few weeks. But hopefully I'll be able to take a dose that's smaller than what I was taking before, because I want to hold on to this emotion, because it's beautiful and visceral and happy and real.

No comments:

Post a Comment