October 31st

Happy Halloween! My internet isn't working. Spooky indeed! I was trying to watch Jon and Reese on Twitch but no, now nothing is working!

Now what do I do?

I should catch up on Game of Owns. 

October 30th

I took a very long, very good nap today! Probably because Brad and I Skyped for a looong time yesterday. We talked about things such as birds!

Oops.

October 29th

I've been Skyping with Brad for like...over three and a half hours. Do you ever meet someone online and then like four days later you're Skyping for hours? I love the internet for enabling awesome friendships like this.

Also I am cutting it really close with time here tonight, sorry! I'm here, I promise!

October 28th

I am extra sleepy tonight! I'm going to try and sleep through the night tonight, and keep Cas out of my room. He wakes me up too much.

I've been bumming around Twitch for a few hours now. THANKS BRAD. :/

October 27th

I'm so excited for Halloween! Another year, another (mostly) thrifted costume. And today I started looking for bits and bobs for yet another costume I'd like to pursue...whoops. I have the cosplay bug. On a budget though.

Everything is Hatoful Boyfriend.

October 26th

Coming off my Hatoful Boyfriend hangover, I'd like to direct all you fine folks to the two lovely gentlemen who provided voices in Lucahjin's stream.

Please check out Brad and Liam!

Brad (cdigames) just started a new LP of his own, and is also a guest on Lucahjin's current Trilby's Notes LP.

Liam (liamsixx) just finished a great LP of Super Mario 64, and I'm looking forward to whatever is next from him.

And of course, please check out Lucahjin's Hatoful Boyfriend and Trilby's Notes playthroughs.

October 25th

I watched a six hour long stream today. Thanks, Lucahjin. 

You should all play Hatoful Boyfriend. It's on Steam. And play the full version, and the full game. All the routes! And then you get the secret ending! Which apparently takes a six hour stream to cover. XD

I'm gonna go to sleep early tonight. But right now I'm watching someone play the game blind because it's hilarious. And knowing the secret ending, it's giving me all the feels!

October 24th

I don't realize how much I miss my cat when I spend a night away form him until I get back and I just wanna hug him all day. On the contrary, I think I'm going to switch back to having him sleep outside my room. I slept pretty damn well at my mom's house last night.

I got my flu shot today, hooray!

October 23rd

Well I'm unexpectedly at my mom's house because the sketchy nurse at my psychiatrist's office decided that oh, apparently my normal psychiatrist does have appointments available? I've had some trouble with communicating with him in the past (like when he told me to start back on 20mg Lexapro a day with Prozac still in my system, which is what gave me serotonin poisoning), and when I called today saying I was having anxiety symptoms again after increasing my Lexapro dosage, instead of answering any of my questions (should I decrease my dosage? should I take any tonight?), he just told me I needed to come down tomorrow morning. It's no short haul to get me down to her office, so that was unexpected. The psych I'm seeing tomorrow is my psychiatrist who has been out of the office since before my initial anxiety issue, not the guy who has been helping me in the interim, so I don't know how caught up she is. I'm not looking forward to re-explaining my medical issues over the past 2+ months yet again, but we'll see how it all goes. As long as my vacation can still go ahead, then I'm okay. I don't want to start fiddling around with medications too much. And I also REALLY want to get back to work soon, for many reasons. And starting new meds can always disturb that, and my managers don't want e back til I can be there reliably (understandably), but I don't know when that can be. It's really frustrating. I'm ready to be better now, please and thank you!

October 22nd

Gosh, I haven't stayed up this late in awhile! I was advised to take my Lexapro at night to help with the sleepiness, so maybe that's part of the solution. On the other hand, my anxiety symptoms are still present, namely the restlessness/agitation/feeling panicked and so forth. And my damn shaking leg! It's like I've got all this nervous energy and I need and outlet, so I have to be moving my leg or ankle or whatever a lot of the time. I called in to my psychiatrist's office today and left a voicemail for the nurse telling him what was up, so hopefully he calls me tomorrow. I think I need to drop my Lexapro dose back down to 10 mg. I'm just so worried because my trip is coming up and I want to be feeling like I was two weeks ago, and now I'm not there anymore, I'm going backwards. I'm worried that switching to a new led will cause problems right before the trip. And that just adds to my anxiety! But I'm not going to not go on this trip. I think it'll be fun and helpful and relaxing for the most part (though I'm dreading the plane ride), so...we shall see. Cas is being a good cuddle buddy right now. :)

October 21st

I actually slept decently last night, but I've been having weird anxiety symptoms today. Really restless, fidgety, just generally anxious. Not fun. Now I'm watching some good spooky LPs of 5 Days a Stranger, 7 Days a Skeptic, and Trilby's Notes. They're a pretty interesting series of games. 

My mail that was supposed to come today didn't come. Whyyy. I wanted my perfume from my swap. 

October 20th

I am currently trying very hard to stay awake until a reasonable time to fall asleep. I've been up since 5:00 AM and I haven't napped and I'm sleepy. On the plus side, I watched a lot of House Hunters International and did some grocery shopping. I also finally found black combat boots while thrifting. I have been trying to find some for my Hilda cosplay for forever, because I don't want to mess with my black combat boots that I actually wear out, since the cosplay calls for pink soles. I'm going to try putting pink washi tape on them, and then maybe painting the washi tape, because I don't want to ruin the shoes, but I thought it was too risky to try on my expensive boots, so I've been searching many thrift stores for many weeks to find some. The ones I got are a teensy bit bit, but I figure with socks it'll be just fine. And they were only $7.99! Yaaay! I'm so close to being done with that costume. I have to touch up the hat and add fabric to the armbands and then I'm done! I'm also nearly done with my Halloween costume. I just need to use some fabric paint on the socks. I bought a wig, but it looked ridiculous and I don't have the money to buy a nicer one, so I'm just going to be a brunette Fionna, fuck it. My hat is also not "her" hat, but it's close enough and it was like $3 (thrifted!) instead of the $20+ for an authentic one. But since I've got damn good wardrobe for that outfit, when I have more money I think I'll invest in the hat and a more accurate backpack so I can have two cosplay options for all the cons I don't attend. :D

October 19th

I can't believe it's been a year since I saw Josh Groban...this year went by pretty quickly. And I can't believe I'll be back in Ireland in less than a month!

House Hunters International is on Netflix. So I watched a lot of that today. I don't even care if that show is staged, I just like seeing houses in different countries. Same goes for the regular House Hunters. It's cool seeing different houses/apartments.

I've been going through my perfume samples lately. I really want a full bottle of Alien Sunessence Legere. It's really similar to Alien Aqua Chic, but it's different enough that I want to own both of them. I think I'll try the Alien Sunessence Or d'Ambre again tonight, and I'm expecting a decant of Alien Les Parfums de Cuir in the mail soon too. Oh, Thierry Mugler, thank you for your endless flankers!

October 18th

I slept weirdly last night. I went to bed really early, then had crazy dreams, woke up, slept more, woke up and ate, watched some YouTube videos, slept more, had more crazy dreams (one of which involved forgetting to blog, ah!), and then eventually it was morning. It was a lot of sleeping, being tired, waking, feeling very awake, then feeling quite tired...and today I've felt pretty sedentary just about all day, and I know my schedule's off because I'm eating at weird times. Now I'm super tired again. My sister is currently getting over a "mono-like virus" and I wonder if I caught it from her. At least my cold seems to be gone. But all I want to do now is nap. I'm all backwards! Cas is being a really good sleeping buddy though. He's been sleeping in my room for awhile now, and he doesn't try and bother me anymore. He's such a good boy.

October 17th

Legend of Korra was kind of mediocre today, but I get that it was mostly a set-up episode. I just want to see cool shit happen, you know?

I really want more perfume. I'm in one of those moods. I'm being really good and not buying any because obviously money is super tight right now, but I'm almost out of my Burberry London and I need to buy more soon! It's such a nice, classy, cozy perfume.

I also need to clean. Ugh. Can I pay someone to be my maid for a day?

October 16th

I fell asleep right after blogging yesterday. I have no recollection of my blog alarm going off at 10:00. I was a sleepy lady. And now I'm sleepy again!

I also have a cold, so I'm a lady with a drippy nose. 

I can't wait to get my new perfumes from my recent swaps in the mail!

October 15th

Hoooo boy, I'm tired. Here you go, this song has been stuck in my head for like three days now.

October 14th

I had a sore throat yesterday, and today I've got the sniffles. I think I must be catching some autumnal cold. I bought some of my favorite Ricola throat drops though, so hopefully it'll all be okay! I've got four things to mail tomorrow, and my sweater to return to Forever 21 (I'm driving down to my dad's house tomorrow, as it turns out) and I feel so busy! So I'm going to try to go to bed at a reasonable hour, and also to stay asleep all night. My sleep schedule is so funky lately!

Cas says hello too, by the way! He's been such a good boy lately, I've even been letting him sleep in my room. So precious!

October 13th

Right. Today was a postal holiday. I'm so silly. 

I'm going to drive down to my dad's house tomorrow because I want to return something to Forever 21 without paying to ship it back, and I also need to print some things but my printer isn't working. I've never done returns with F21 before so we'll see how it goes. I just want the same sweater but in the next size up, so it would be brilliant if they had it in stock and I didn't have to order it and pay for shipping. It's the softest thing in the world. I tried it on last time I was in the store but didn't end up buying it, and then when I was ordering it online I could remember which size I had tried on. Aaand so I bought the wrong size. It was at a discount though and shipping was free, so not a big deal. But I absolutely must have it in the next size up because it is DIVINE. Wish me luck!

October 12th

*aggressively waits by my mailbox for the next 16 hours*

How are you folks doing tonight? I've been really sleepy lately. I think it's the Lexapro. Also, the emotional stuff, like crying all the time? It's gone. It doesn't happen anymore. I knew it would go away and I'm so sad to have lost it. But not sad enough to cry, it seems.

The end of this week's Legend of Korra should have made me cry. It made me so happy and excited and emotional- it would have totally had me sobbing before the Lexapro. It's really hard to feel like this zombie-esque carapace of my emotional state from a week ago. I just want to feel more.

At least Cas and I are snuggling. That helps.

October 11th

The mail hasn't arrived. I'm worried.

I did go on a nice walk around the lake this morning, though. Then I fed some ducks my crackers, and that attracted more ducks, and also geese. 

Also I found $80 boots at Goodwill for $7. 

October 10th

I ordered something on eBay that was supposed to come by today and it's not here yet. This worries me. Hopefully it comes tomorrow, or I'll be really worried. I need my package! I'm also expected quite a bit of other mail this week. I love getting mail!

Cas and I are cuddling right now. 

I'm going to try and go to bed now, as I've managed to go completely off my diurnal sleep schedule in the last week. Good night, my loves!

October 9th

Since I've been painting a lot recently, I decided to send a letter back to the fine folks on the Two dots team and also paint them a little picture. David was kind enough to mention it on Twitter!

I also introduced Lexa to Two Dots. Lexa, if you're reading this, stop and go play some more! You need to catch up to me!

October 8th

Tonight: FaceOff and sleep. Also, why is my mail taking so long to arrive?

Hope you're all well!

October 7th

Hello humans! I'm feeling better today. I'm also feeling very sleepy. I'm going to try and sort out my sleep schedule tonight, as it's been off for a few days now. That Cherry Coke kept me up ALL NIGHT.

I started a new painting yesterday. It's not good though- I couldn't find a pencil to make a rough sketch so I was like "Whatever man, I can freehand this!" I could not, in fact, freehand it. So it looks a little bizarre right now. Maybe it'll turn out okay in the end, though.

I'm going to see if FaceOff is online, and if not, it's bedtime for Kate. If it is, then it's that first, then bedtime. No A:TLA tonight I think...I'm too tired.

October 6th

I am officially cleared to start taking Lexapro again! Although I have to start much slower than last time.

I had a moment of clarity today. Since being off of all antidepressants for about a month now, I have noticed - especially in the past week - that I have been a lot more emotional about things. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I get teary-eyed a lot. I've never felt this emotional about things, and it's kind of nice. It's very freeing to get those feelings out. I like that I have such an emotional response to touching things. It feels very real and genuine.

That's what people mean when they say that taking antidepressants turns them into emotionless zombies. I've been on medication since I was eight years old. I always though I was just the type of person who didn't cry easily. I could watch hours of homecoming or proposal videos, listening to moving music, watch a sad movie...I didn't cry. Not often, anyway.

Now I feel like I'm really in tune with my emotions, and I feel so much more connected to the things that make me emotional.

So after all this waiting to go back on Lexapro, to help me get back to work, to get back to living...I'm worried I'm going to lose this really wonderful emotional side of myself that's come out.

(Which of course makes me cry.)

I feel like I'm giving up these true, visceral emotions in order to go back to "normal." Don't get me wrong- I know that right now, I'm not where I need to be. I'm still struggling with anxiety. And there are other depressive symptoms, too. (Like when I don't feel super emotional, I feel kinda shitty. I also have minimal motivation for anything, and I've been spending more time in bed each day than I should.)

I should note, too, that my emotional crying has been due to things that have made me happy. Music, TV shows, those sorts of things - beautiful things that touch me. I don't want to lose that. I want to keep feeling this really deep emotional connection to things that I love. I feel like these drugs are suppressing that. I finally understand why people say some antidepressants make them feel "nothing." I still want to feel. But I also know I need to take my Lexapro so that I can manage the not-so-nice symptoms I've been having.

It's put me in a really difficult spot emotionally. Sitting in the doctor's office today, being told I could start taking Lexapro again, I was so happy. Driving away from the doctor's office, realizing that the things that make me happy won't feel as strong anymore...that made me upset.

Being on antidepressants for so many years, I didn't realize I could have so many strong feelings about so many things, to the point where I'd cry about it. (In a good way - again, not talking about sad tears here.)

I'll keep you guys updated. I start the Lexapro tomorrow morning. It'll take a few weeks to work, and I'm not starting at the same dose I'll be taking in a few weeks. But hopefully I'll be able to take a dose that's smaller than what I was taking before, because I want to hold on to this emotion, because it's beautiful and visceral and happy and real.

October 5th

I hate driving at night. I really hate it. I feel like I can't see, I feel like deer are going to run out in front of me, I feel like people are tired or drunk and aren't driving as well as during the day. So that, coupled with my current anxiety issues, made driving down to my dad's house tonight pretty awful. I was only on the road for about 15 minutes when I realized my anxiety was getting extremely bad (also an 18-wheeler tried to merge into me), to the point where I couldn't drive as well, so I took the next exit and found a parking lot, calmed down, took some Klonopin and...couldn't find my way back to the freeway. Wherever I'd turned into didn't allow me to go back out the way I came, so I ended up going like half a mile down some sketchy road with no lighting, and then when I came to a dirt road/dead end, I literally just turned around in the middle of the road and went back. Then I saw four deer on the side of the road, which scared the shit out of me. I was obviously going really slowly, but still. Then they ran off into this forest that looked like it was out of a horror film- there was a line of trees and then behind that it was pitch black, like it went on forever. I eventually found my way back to the freeway though, and the rest of my drive was slightly less tense (thank you, Game of Owns, for distracting me just enough so that I wasn't thinking about how anxious I was), although it was still awful. So, casual reminder to myself- don't wait all day to drive down to the cities. do it when there's daylight. Driving at night is horrible.

October 4th

Cas has been barfy lately. The first time it was like actual human vomit, smell and everything, and it was horrific. Then he's had three little hairball/barf balls since then. I don't know if he's just got a bug, or if something got into his food, or what. He's still happy to eat and drink, so I don't know what his deal is. But I am definitely not enjoying the clean-up. I've never been bothered by cat barf before, but I had a hell of a time yesterday trying to clean up his. I legitimately almost puked myself, several times. Yuck.

I'm having another general malaise day. I just feel really unmotivated and grumpy, and also cold because it's 34 freaking degrees here. I really hope Monday's appointment can help get me back on track to being sorted out. Fingers crossed!

October 3rd

Hey, I was on this thing. At like 50 minutes in or so. I do love me some Ross Everett, so maybe check it out? Watch the whole thing if you're feeling adventurous! Then you'll understand why I asked Ross to name my penis, and the Netflix stuff.

My penis is a SIR.

October 2nd

I can't believe Korra premieres tomorrow. I already think it's coming back much too soon, but the fact that it's supposed to take place three years later is even weirder. I love Legend of Korra, but I really appreciate how much more exciting a show is when you've had to wait awhile to watch a new episode. (Looking at you, Game of Thrones!) Plus this is the very end of the show - which makes me infinitely sad - so I don't want it to end so soon. 

So I'm watching Avatar now. I haven't cried yet! Tonight, anyway. 

October 1st

Happy October everyone! Enjoying your pumpkin-flavored/scented everything?

Cas' thumb(?)nails grow so much quicker than his other nails. He keeps getting them stuck in fabric.

The guy who was working on fixing my bathroom was here for about six hours today. And he'll be back tomorrow. Gosh, I love when I can't use the toilet in my own place!

I'm crazy sleepy now though, so I'm gonna play some Two Dots and go to bed!