Within Temptation concert tomorrow! I'm hoping that'll be super fun, because I hella love them. I haven't been sleeping well though, and I just feel like crap. So I'm going to try and go to sleep pretty soon I think.
Last night I was in a super crying mood. I started crying over one thing, and then after that, everything was making me cry. I couldn't go to sleep when I wanted because I was so randomly teary. I've been feeling a bit more cry-y than usual lately (seriously, I got choked up during the premiere of The Amazing Race AND when I started my rewatch of A:TLA), and I'm thinking that may be from the fact that I've been off my antidepressants for like a month now.
I've also been having what I consider to be brain zaps, although I'm not sure that's what they actually are. I know brain zaps are a thing, but I don't know if what I'm having is that thing. Basically, you know when you're in a plane, and it does a fast descent, and you get that feeling in your stomach? But you also kind of get it in your brain? I've been having that a lot lately. I know "brain zaps" (which are more often described as shocks) are common when abruptly discontinuing antidepressants, so that might be what's going on.
I also just feel shitty. Like, general malaise shitty.
I also feel like everything smells like cat piss around here. Today I cleaned (like, with soap and water) Cas' litter box, scoop, etc. It's practically brand-new squeaky clean. But the apartment still smells like piss and I think there must be some in the carpet. I've had the windows in the living room open for like two weeks and I've tried air fresheners and odor absorbers and nothing is helping. It also got cold. However, my room is stuffy. It feels gross in here. And it's messy, and I have no motivation to clean it. I started organizing and cleaning, but didn't finish. And the dishes need to be done but my aversion to getting my hands wet and having them feel cracked/dry mixed with how shitty I feel is not helping.
I need someone to come into my apartment and just clean it all up. It seems so daunting and every time I do clean part of it, it feels like it's still not clean, and my room is still stuffy but I'm cold from the living room and it stinks in here and there's probably mold in the sink and I just don't feel great about the whole thing.
Plus I hate the feeling I've got right now, the sleepy, generally ill feeling. No motivation, everything seems awful, I don't want to do much, etc. I hate that I still haven't been able to see a goddamn psychiatrist because even though I'm literally in a situation where I feel like crap and I can't work, NO ONE can or will see me. It's still another week before I get to see someone. And he's not even local. I have to drive an hour and a half just to get help. I feel like I'm simultaneously exhausted, sick, depressed, agitated, anxious, and on the verge of freaking out. It's a mess. I hope I can take Lexapro again and that it'll be okay for me to take SSRI's and that I can feel back to normal soon. My apartment is stressing me out. I need a magic fairy to clean my place and make Cas not be so smelly and to give me a nice, helpful medication to get me back on track.
It's cold in the other room but I still feel so stuffy in here. It's making me feel icky.
And hey, I'll probably have some strange men invade my apartment at 10:00 AM tomorrow to tear apart my bathroom. Awesome.
I hope you're all doing well. I love you all lots!